Miss Diagnosis: How Health Reform Can Get You Laid

Whitny Doyle R.N.
4 min read
How Health Reform Can Get You Laid
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’Tis the season, and few things go better with spiked eggnog and mistletoe than a naughty roll in the manger. But anyone who is single and ready to tingle these days knows the dating market has become increasingly competitive since the economic downturn. Decreased financial security means few people have the luxury of just lookin’ for a good time. And while foxiness will never go out of style, many of us are more inclined to choose a mate with job security and a sizable benefits package (of the health care variety, sicko) in these tough times.

One tried-and-true method of demonstrating your employability and general financial prospects is to sound super informed while discussing an important current event. The topic of health care is bound to crop up at office holiday parties and secret Santa exchanges this season, so here’s a few impressive-sounding health reform talking points you can use to attract the object of your Yuletide desire.

“Since Medicare is approaching insolvency by 2017, I am skeptical of a public option modeled after Medicare-for-All. Of course, that depends if we’re looking at regular ol’ Medicare, or Medicare Advantage plans, which are 14 percent more expensive and set to sustain $120 billion in cuts if the Senate bill passes. And then there’s the infamous Medicare Part D doughnut hole for prescription drug coverage. The old folks at the nursing home where I volunteer my time are happy to see that the bill closes this doughnut hole but disappointed it doesn’t take full effect until 2022.”

“I hope the regulatory body entrusted with the insurance exchange marketplace takes into account deductibles and other out-of-pocket spending
in addition to premiums when setting affordability benchmarks for plans offered through the exchange. Without affordable coverage, I may not be able to volunteer at the orphanage as frequently as I do now.”

“The problem with using Massachusetts as a model for national reform is that the majority of insurance in Massachusetts is provided by local nonprofits instead of the national for-profit companies more typical of the rest of the country. Also, Massachusetts has a much smaller Medicaid-eligible population as compared to the rest of the country. I mean, if you don’t think we have a larger Medicaid population here, then just come by the homeless shelter where I volunteer and see for yourself.”

“Legislation that absolutely guarantees affordability without disproportionately burdening disadvantaged people is the only way to ensure fairness and equality of the individual mandate. Affordability is also important attribute from a pragmatic perspective, since compliance with the mandate hinges upon cost considerations. Compliance is crucial, because financial feasibility of any shared-responsibility plan depends on near-universal coverage. That way funds from uncompensated care pools can be redirected to subsidies. I mean, whenever I volunteer at the pediatric ward at the hospital, which I do pretty frequently, I think about how much better it would be if our tax dollars went to insurance subsidies for the needy rather than to hospitals as a token payment for uncompensated care.”

“I may not be a policy expert, but I do believe our ultimate goal should be to guarantee health care for all human beings. We can do it by integrating the best attributes of both public and private entities into a stable and efficient health care system for all. Everyone at the nature conservatory where I volunteer agrees with me!”

“Heath reform schmealth reform! Now who wants to deck my halls?”

Happy holidays, and you’re welcome!!!

Despite its brilliant name, this column is not intended to prevent, diagnose or treat herpes. Or any other diseases, for that matter.

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