Odds & Ends

Odds & Ends

Devin D. O'Leary
5 min read
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Dateline: England

Britain’s most tattooed man has created a bureaucratic nightmare for himself after changing his legal name to King of Ink Land King Body Art the Extreme Ink-ite. Mr. Ink-ite, previously known as 34-year-old Mathew Whelan, was surprised when his application for a passport renewal bearing the new name was rejected. “This is a breach of my human rights,” complained the King. Britain’s Passport Office reportedly denied the application on the grounds that the new name was not appropriate. Despite the fact that the lengthy moniker already appears on the tattooed man’s driver’s license, the Passport Office told London’s
Daily Mail that a policy section regarding “strings of words or phrases” meant the name was not permissible. Body Art, as he likes to be called for short, has tattooed over 90 percent of his body—including his left eyeball.

Dateline: France

A suave jewel thief who kissed his victim on the cheek before fleeing the scene of the crime has been busted by his own buss. The suspect—identified only as “Pierre G.”—and an accomplice are accused of following the owner of a Parisian jewelry store home, tying her up and pouring gasoline over her head as they demanded the security code to her store. The 56-year-old woman complied and was left tied up at her home while the men robbed the store. Some 4 hours later, the kidnapping thieves returned to free their victim. Before they left, one of them planted a kiss on the woman’s cheek. According to press reports, detectives were able to obtain DNA evidence from the kiss. It led to the eventual arrest of one of the men, who was located through a national genetic print database. The 20-year-old suspect told police he kissed the woman to “ease her trauma.”

Dateline: Canada

Electro-industrial rockers Skinny Puppy have allegedly sent an invoice to the American government after discovering the US military used the band’s song to torture detainees at Guantanamo Bay. Keyboardist for the longtime group cEvin Key told CTV News that the band is seeking $666,000 in royalties for the unauthorized use of its music. “I am not only against the fact they’re using our music to inflict damage on somebody else, but they are doing it without anybody’s permission,” said Key. Key told CTV a fan who had served as a guard there informed the group its music had been used. The US has been widely criticized for its treatment of prisoners at the military detention center in Cuba—which has included blasting loud music into detainees’ cells. “The department is not in receipt of any sort of invoice as suggested by all the circular reporting on this topic in the press,” Department of Defense spokesperson Lt. Col. J. Todd Breasseale told Politico.com. “I’m not even sure how, functionally, such a process of billing based on a hunch might work.”

Dateline: Minnesota

Police in Rochester are speculating that a singing fish may be responsible for foiling a commercial burglary. Tom Allen, owner of Hooked on Fishing, closed up his business around 4:30pm on Sunday, Feb. 2. When he returned the next day, he found the door open. He thought perhaps another employee had arrived before him. Then he spotted Big Mouth Billy Bass. “When I saw Billy Bass on the floor I knew something was really up,” Allen told KTTC-TV. Allen speculates that the novelty toy, a motion-activated rubber fish that sings songs, was accidentally knocked off the wall by a potential burglar. “When I tried to close the door and it wouldn’t close at all, I just knew that Billy Bass had done his job and let somebody know that it wasn’t just empty or something.” The door was damaged during the attempted burglary, but nothing was stolen—presumably because the singing fish scared off the would-be burglar. The Olmsted County Sheriff’s Office estimated about $700 in damage was done to the business’ door.

Dateline: Maine

Morning Sentinel in China, Maine, reports that State Police responded to a call from concerned neighbors who were worried a woman was being violently assaulted—but all officers found as an overly amorous pig. A woman on Hanson Road called police on Jan. 27 to report what she believed was a fight coming from a nearby home a short distance through some woods. “The caller reported she heard screaming,” the State Police activity log stated. Trooper Thomas Bureau, who went to the house with three other officers, spoke to the owner. “The homeowner stated her male pig was screaming because he was in a pen with five other female pigs in heat,” Bureau wrote in his report. The officers determined there was no assault and no disturbance “other than the screaming male pig.”

Compiled by Devin D. O'Leary. Email your weird news to devin@alibi.com.

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