Dateline: TennesseeA man called 911 claiming his wife had been “sexually assaulted” after she was squirted with a water toy at a Japanese restaurant. James Lassiter called police dispatchers from the Wasabi Japanese Steak House in Murfreesboro to report that his wife had been squirted with a small plastic toy known as a “pee pee boy.” “At the end of the meal, the chef pulled out a doll, he had [it’s] pants pulled down, and it shot water on my wife out of its [censored],” Lassiter is heard saying on the released 911 call. “I want this chef arrested for sexual assault,” he demanded. Talking with FOX-17, Isabelle Lassiter described the incident, saying, “[The chef] pulled [the doll’s] little shorts down and it had a ‘wanger’ and he squirted me right in the face.” Johnny Huang, owner of the restaurant, told reporters he’s been running hibachi restaurants for more than 10 years and has never had anyone complain about the gag. “A lot of little kids walk in and they say, ‘You have the pee pee boy?’ ‘You have the pee pee boy?’ That’s the first thing they always ask.” Police did file a report on the incident but refused to press charges on the basis that the toy did not have any actual anatomy “down there”—just a hole that squirted water. “It really didn’t have a wiener, but you got the point,” Mrs. Lassiter later conceded. “Just because somebody cut off a piece of plastic—OK, it’s not there anymore—doesn’t change the fact that you’re getting peed on,” Mr. Lassiter added. No word on whether the couple will pursue civil charges against the restaurant.Dateline: New HampshirePolice in Portsmouth are searching for the vandal who helpfully informed officers of their public intoxication by spray-painting the words “I’m drunk” on the side of the Portsmouth Police Department. “So this happened,” began a Facebook post by the department saying officers discovered an outside wall of their station had been tagged with graffiti “during the overnight hours.” The post went on to explain that, “the men and women in blue immediately went to work removing this artist’s thoughtful and insightful creation. We are investigating on our end, but we’d love for the public to keep their eyes and ears open for anything that may lead to the identity of the person or persons behind this!”Dateline: FloridaYou’d think cops, of all people, would know better. An Orlando motorist, arrested when police found what they suspected was crystal meth on the floorboard of his car, was cleared weeks later when the substance in question turned out to be doughnut icing. The incident started on Dec. 11 when Cpl. Shelby Riggs-Hopkins was staking out a 7-Eleven store for suspected drug activity. Riggs-Hopkins pulled over 64-year-old Daniel Rushing after he left the store and failed to make a complete stop while pulling out of the parking lot. During the stop the officer noticed “a rock-like substance on the floorboard where his feet were.” Shelby wrote in her report that she “recognized through my 11 years of training and experience as a law enforcement officer the substance to be some sort of narcotic.” Rushing consented to a search of his car and officers turned up three more pieces of the suspicious substance. At the time the driver identified it as glaze from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. “I kept telling them, ‘That’s … glaze from a doughnut. … They tried to say it was crack cocaine at first, then they said, ‘No, it’s meth, crystal meth,’” Rushing told the Orlando Sentinel. Officers conducted two roadside tests that came back positive for illegal substances. Rushing was taken to county jail on a methamphetamine possession charge. He was released after 10 hours on a $2,500 bail. The charges against Rushing were dropped several weeks later when a Florida Department of Law Enforcement crime lab confirmed that the primary ingredient of the substance was sugar and not meth. Rushing has now hired an attorney and plans to seek damages from the city.Dateline: GeorgiaAuthorities said a lottery winner’s “unsound investment strategy” involved using his $3 million prize to start his own business. Unfortunately, that business was dealing crystal meth. Ronnie Music Jr. was in a Brunswick court last month pleading guilty to drug trafficking and firearms charges when US Attorney Ed Tarver made the accusation. According to Tarver, Music won $3 million from a Georgia Lottery scratcher game in 2015. He was arrested in September of that same year when he and a group of accomplices were found with 11 pounds of methamphetamine. Tarver said Music used his lottery winnings to purchase the $500,000 worth of drugs, which he and his accomplices intended to sell. “Defendant Music decided to test his luck by sinking millions of dollars of lottery winnings into the purchase and sale of crystal meth.” Tarver said in court. “As a result of this unsound investment strategy, Music now faces decades in federal prison.” Music could receive a maximum sentence of life in prison.