Odds & Ends: Assault Rifle Vs. Washing Machine, Swim Noodle Fistfight, Breasts Distract Courtroom

Odds & Ends: Assault Rifle Vs. Washing Machine, Swim Noodle Fistfight, Breasts Distract Courtroom

Devin D. O'Leary
5 min read
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Dateline: Florida— In the kind of story that seems to arise quite frequently from Florida’s Treasure Coast, TCPalm.com reports sheriff’s deputies in St. Lucie County investigated a report that a woman blew up her washing machine while taking drunken potshots at a target in her bedroom closet with an AR-15 assault rifle. According to Sheriff’s Office records, when deputies arrived at the house on the afternoon of Sunday, May 22, they found “a lot of water on the floor covering most of the residence.” A 21-year-old woman inside the residence said she and her 33-year-old husband were in the process of getting a divorce. The woman admitted that her estranged spouse called her on Saturday, asking whether they could “get together.” They did and had a “good evening,” but they started arguing on Sunday morning when the woman said she could not get back together with her husband because she had a new boyfriend. The woman said her husband “went crazy” and started shooting up the inside of the home. When asked to write a sworn statement to that effect, the woman told officers, “I’ll try my best, but I’m drunk.” The husband, who had also been drinking, told sheriff’s deputies he was outside in the driveway grilling when he heard the shots being fired and raced back inside. Mounted inside the bedroom closet, police found a wood and metal shooting target. Bullet holes riddled a wall near the target, puncturing a washing machine on the other side. The police report noted that the couple had used the indoor target range “on multiple occasions.” The report went on to say that “according to [the husband], once inside he observed water all over the floor and learned [the wife] had shot the AR-15 assault rifle, missing the target, going through the wall and striking the washing machine causing the water leak.” That, he said, is when he started arguing with his wife and told her to get out. According to TCPalm, investigators spoke to a prosecutor and determined no charges would be filed, however “both parties were advised to stay away from each other.” TCPalm concluded its article on the incident by noting that “it wasn’t immediately clear what the husband was grilling.”

Dateline: Florida— An article in the Naples Daily News documents a bizarre assault at Lowdermilk Park beach. According to a Collier County Sheriff’s Department arrest report dated May 19, Karl Ludwig Eichner, 68, of East Naples was accused of attacking a woman with his “swim noodle,” then punching her in the face after she placed a melon in the ocean. The woman, who was at the beach with a friend, allegedly observed a watermelon that had been carved into the shape of a head rotting on the beach. The figural fruit appeared to be abandoned, so the woman and her friend placed it in the ocean in the hopes that it would disintegrate and not attract bugs. Eichner retrieved the watermelon and placed it back on the beach. The woman returned the watermelon to the water. At that point Eichner allegedly approached the woman with his swim noodle full of water and drenched her while she was sitting on her towel. He then punched her in the cheek. Eichner was arrested and charged with battery.

Dateline: Illinois— Earlier this month, Chicago Attorney Thomas Gooch filed a pretrial motion objecting to a woman’s distractingly large breasts in court. Gooch said his opponent in a small claims case was deliberately using the woman and her chest to “draw the attention of the jury away from the relevant proceedings.” Gooch asked Cook County Circuit Judge Anita Rivkin-Carothers to order the woman to sit in the gallery with other spectators and not at the counsel’s table with opposing attorney Dmitry N. Feofanov. Gooch told the Chicago Daily Law Bulletin he wasn’t objecting to the woman on the basis of her bra size, but on her lack of credentials. “Personally, I like large breasts,” Gooch was quoted as saying. “However, I object to somebody I don’t think is a qualified paralegal sitting at the counsel table—when there’s already two lawyers there—dressed in such a fashion as to call attention to herself.” Responding to Gooch’s motion, Feofanov said the woman—identified by the Law Bulletin as Daniella Atencia—is his paralegal assistant. According to Feofanov, Atencia has been paid as a paralegal in two previous court orders before Cook County judges. “That’s not a qualification,” Gooch said in response. “That means Dmitry handed up a bill to a judge that said paralegal on it. I don’t believe it’s a legitimate thing.” The case Gooch and Feofanov are attempting to argue—a small claims dispute over a used car—was scheduled to go to trial on June 2.

Compiled by Devin D. O'Leary. Email your weird news to devin@alibi.com.

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