Odds & Ends: Burglar Finds A Body, Canine Vacays, Alien Bastard, Gopher Feet

Odds & Ends: Burglar Finds A Body, Canine Vacays, Alien Bastard, Gopher Feet

Devin D. O'Leary
4 min read
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Dateline: New Zealand

A terrified burglar called police after bumping into a dead body hanging in a Hamilton house. The 26-year-old male made the grisly discovery while attempting to burgle a vacant house in the suburb of Fairfield. Hamilton Police city tactical coordinator Senior Sergeant Freda Grace told the
New Zealand Herald the burglar had been arrested but would not likely be charged with a crime. The screams of the startled sneak thief alerted neighbors who alerted police. Grace told the newspaper the body of the unidentified man, who evidently died hours before the break-in, might not have been discovered for days had it not been for the burglar. At this time police are considering the death a suicide. Sgt. Grace hoped the “weird” circumstances would make the shell-shocked burglar consider a change of profession. “Hopefully there will be a positive out of it and that he will decide it’s not the thing to do,” Grace told the newspaper. “I would be taking that as pretty bad karma.”

Dateline: England

The Paw Seasons canine resort, which bills itself as a “luxury break for dogs,” is offering ritzy canine vacations for a mere £47,000 ($72,747) per pet. A two-week stay on the North Somerset coast, for example, would include exercise, entertainment and deluxe accommodations. To feel at home, dogs will each get their own, custom-built doghouse resembling their owner’s house. Outdoor activities will include a surfing lesson and a run along the beach with 400m. hurdle Commonwealth and World Champion Dai Greene. A spa and grooming session, complete with aromatherapy bath and body massage, comes courtesy of Harrod’s Pet Spa. Guests will be fitted with a Louis Vuitton collar, Bottega Veneta leash and Mulberry coat. Nightly film screenings will include such famous pooch pics as
Lassie and 101 Dalmatians. Even pets’ spiritual needs will be fulfilled with a reiki session by Master Teacher Member of the UK Reiki Federation Rob Fellow and meetings with dog behavioral expert and author Stan Rawlinson. Owners are not allowed to accompany their pets on this posh vacation, but staff will keep them up to date on their pet’s activities via Facebook and YouTube.

Dateline: England

Simon Parkes, a Labor Party member of the town council in Whitby on the Yorkshire coast is now admitting he fathered a child out of wedlock—with a space alien. Parkes is featured in the new television documentary
Confessions of an Alien Abductee, claiming he fathered a love child named Zarka with an otherworldly woman known as the Cat Queen. “What will happen is that we hold hands and I will say ‘I’m ready’ and then the technology I don’t understand will take us up to a craft orbiting the Earth,” Parkes told the Northern Echo newspaper. According to Parkes, the visits happen about four times a year. Parkes admits his wife eventually found out about the extraterrestrial affair and “was very unhappy, clearly. That caused a few problems. But it was not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong.” The 53-year-old politician, who also works as a driving instructor, has three (presumably human) children with his earthly wife. “There are plenty of people in my position who don’t choose to come out and say it because they are terrified it will destroy their careers,” Parkes said.

Dateline: Minnesota

Post-Bulletin in Rochester is reporting that Tina Marie Garrison, 37, and her son Junior Lee Dillon, 18, have been accused of stealing nearly 3,000 frozen gopher feet from a neighbor’s freezer in the town of Granger. The crime becomes slightly more understandable when you learn that Garrison and son turned around and sold the gopher feet in nearby Harmony Township for a $3-per-pair bounty. The mother-and-son duo is accused of making off with almost $5,000 in gopher feet, taken from the freezer of a local trapper late last year. The two were charged on May 2 with felony receiving stolen property and theft and gross misdemeanor receiving stolen property and theft. Bail has been set at $10,000 each. Garrison has pleaded not guilty and is awaiting trial. Dillon is awaiting a July 29 omnibus hearing.

Compiled by Devin D. O'Leary. Email your weird news to devin@alibi.com.

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