Odds & Ends: Excretion Watch, Zombie Camp, Zombie Attack, The Dog Told Me To

Odds & Ends: Excretion Watch, Zombie Camp, Zombie Attack, The Dog Told Me To

Devin D. O'Leary
5 min read
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Dateline: Nigeria— A popular Nigerian comic was released from jail after producing 25 closely monitored bowel movements for authorities. Bobatunde Omidina, who goes by the stage name Baba Suwe, was arrested last month at the international airport in Lagos while boarding an Air France flight to Paris. The country’s drug enforcement agency said Omidina had “allegedly tested positive to drug ingestion” and was suspected of trying to smuggle illegal drugs into Europe. After 24 days in detention and close scrutiny of his every excretion, however, no drugs turned up. “There have been several examinations carried out on him and no banned substances have so far been found,” said the comedian’s lawyer. When Omidina, described as “frail” and “emaciated,” returned to court on Nov. 11, Judge Yetunde Idowu apologized, saying, “I wish you well. Take care of yourself. You are free to go home.” Omidina’s lawyer later confirmed to Agence France-Presse that the comedian had “excreted more than 25 times” in jail without producing a single illegal substance.

Dateline: England— Britain is offering up a crash course in zombie survival. The one-day Zombie Boot Camp in Droitwich, Worcestershire, trains groups of up to eight people how to survive if the world were taken over by the living dead. Expert military instructors teach students outfitted in Kevlar body armor, helmets and safety goggles how to use pistols, grenades and rifles. The students’ graduation test takes place in a warehouse full of “zombies.” Students are split into pairs and tasked with demonstrating all they have learned. “It’s not every day you can say you have wiped out a warehouse-full of zombies, so it’ll definitely be a talking point amongst your friends!” said Richard Kershaw, co-founder of the wish.co.uk website. Kershaw’s company offers high-end “experiences” for thrill-seeking clientele—from Lamborghini racing to tank driving to skydiving. A full day of Zombie Boot Camp will set you back £59 ($93).

Dateline: Maine— A man who broke into a house told police he only did it because his dog and Jesus told him to. Plus, he was supposed to meet Taylor Swift there. State police told WGME-13 that the suspect, who has not been identified, was squatting in a home in Andover while the homeowner was on vacation. The state trooper who arrested him said the suspect claimed his dog and Jesus told him to break into the house. The suspect went on to say he was supposed to meet country singer Taylor Swift there and marry her in the backyard. The man is facing theft and trespass charges.

Dateline: Arizona— In a story that might make the British one sound a little less crazy, two residents at an eastern Arizona apartment complex were attacked and bitten by a man claiming to be a zombie. The White Mountain Independent reports that Jack Ray Murphy, 19, was arrested on Oct. 24 and charged with felony aggravated assault. According to the police report, Murphy bit two people at The Pines apartment complex in Show Low. Police believe Murphy was high on a synthetic marijuana substitute called Spice when he was arrested. According to witnesses, Murphy stumbled into the parking lot of The Pines, bleeding from his left hand. The female victim, who is a nurse, and the complex’s maintenance man went to ask Murphy if he needed help. After it was determined that Murphy’s hand was broken, the maintenance man went back to his apartment to call police. It was then that Murphy allegedly attacked the nurse, grabbing her forearm and biting a chunk of flesh and muscle out of it. Hearing the woman screaming, the maintenance man ran back and tried to stop Murphy from chewing on her arm. Murphy responded by biting the maintenance man’s arm. The maintenance man slammed Murphy’s head into a metal railing, breaking it off from the stairs. Undeterred, Murphy began advancing on and “hissing” at the maintenance man. The maintenance man pulled a 24-inch pipe from a cart and told Murphy he would hit him in the head if he did not stop. Murphy then informed the maintenance man that he was a zombie and was going to “eat his brains.” Murphy lunged at the victim and was struck in the head with the metal pipe. Seemingly unaffected by the blow, the would-be zombie pressed his attack and was struck a second time on the head. According to the White Mountain Independent , “The second blow had the desired effect.” Murphy ran away and was later arrested at his older sister’s house. He was released from jail two days later after his felony aggravated assault charges were reduced to misdemeanor assault by the county attorney’s office.

Compiled by Devin D. O'Leary. Email your weird news to devin@alibi.com.

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