This state’s in the hole to the tune of about $450 million. That’s bad. About 9,000 percent of our budget goes toward a school system that churns out meth-caked, texting-and-driving baby factories who can’t read. That’s bad, too.Furthermore, our intrepid guv-elect has promised to balance the budget without cutting education or raising taxes. That leaves only one solution: We need our sorry little schools to start making money for us.As a civic-minded young man, I can’t sit idly by and watch the system erode. Incoming Gov. Susana Martinez, here are some foolproof fixes to our academic anemia: Charge for Grades Say, little Billy, are you sad you got a D+ on that algebra test? Worried that your parents will cut your allowance, stopping you from buying the drugs and weapons you kids love so much? Well, with the new Dollars for Diplomas program, you don’t have to worry. Just pony up $1 per point on any given assignment, and you can have any grade you want.Purists may say this is antithetical to the whole point of education, but I consider it a price floor in the marketplace of ideas. Too often, our school system rewards failure, graduating students who are unprepared for the competitive workforce. With Dollars for Diplomas, we ensure that the most industrious, moneymaking students get the best grades. Find Cheaper Labor Our state doesn’t have enough money to pay teachers competitively, and our prisons are overcrowded. Those are two big birds, but I’ve got one giant stone of efficiency: We can pay inmates pennies a month to do what teachers do for thousands with the Penal Synergy Program.Think about it. Who better to teach economics than a con who’s learned to juggle jailhouse currencies like cigarettes and hand jobs? Who better to teach Spanish than a murderer born into a Mexican drug cartel? Some supervision will be required, sure, but if we turn our schools into maximum-security facilities, students won’t have to drop out when they inevitably get incarcerated. Furthermore, their new tatted-up teachers can prepare them with useful survival skills like hiding heroin in body cavities and turning a toothbrush into a deadly weapon.It’s a win-win. Learn to Cut Our Losses Teachers, don’t you hate it when a kid just can’t be reached? You try to explain how important the quadratic formula will be in his life. You stress to her the value of knowing the steps in mitosis. But it’s no use. All you want is to get a head start on your three-month vacation and protest not getting a raise, but these little illiterates are keeping you locked indoors, “teaching,” or whatever.Well, those frets will be a thing of the past under the Return on Investment Assurance Program. It’s quite simple. Every year, teachers nominate a non-learning runt from each of their classes for review by the district’s ROIAP panel. From that pool, the panel will pick the 10 hopeless-est kids and sell them into Mexican servitude.I know what you’re thinking: “That’s crazy. With the plummeting value of the peso, we’ll just be taking a loss in these transactions.” Well, I’m two steps ahead of you. It’s true that Mexico’s economy is mostly supported by cocaine and severed heads, but Mexican raw materials remain as valuable as ever. So, while little Johnny might only go for a few handfuls of coins, he’s worth at least 100 cubic feet of cement, for instance.This program could streamline wasteful capital outlay projects. Want to refurbish your decrepit football stadium? You’re in luck: Repairs that once cost millions can now be funded with just a few able-bodied fifth graders.And we don’t have to stop there. Our little state-funded sadness plantations are chock full of moneymaking opportunities. I have the utmost confidence that, following my plan, we can get this state out of the red and into the green in no time. Trust me. I went to public school.
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