The Heavy Meddler

Nikki Know-It-All
7 min read
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Dear Nikki,

I have severely uneven boobs and a new boyfriend. Do I tell him ahead of time or just set them free and risk him running to the hills when they lock eyes?

—One of these things is not like the other

Dear Hooters of the Damned,

I hope that was an intentional Iron Maiden reference. If not, please brush up on your Maiden knowledge by listening to their third studio album Number of the Beast. Supposedly, breast size asymmetry affects nearly half of all women at one time or another, so don’t run off and join the circus just yet. It happens often during puberty and eventually corrects itself, more or less. It can also be due to breastfeeding, or just the way God made you. It sounds like yours is of the more permanent variety and quite noticeable. I’d be curious to know if you wear a “falsie” in one of your bra cups, or have some way of making your cans appear more even. I’d also be curious to know if one jug is noticeably larger than the other, or if your concern is more due to the fact that they hang differently, or the nipples point in different directions, like that lazy-eyed girl in 6th grade who had an odd body odor and no friends. Whatever the case, I think it’s best you give the new dude the head’s up about your wonky tatas. I once dated a guy missing a testicle, and he failed to mention it. After a night of great sex, I said, “Dude, what’s up with your balls?,” to which he replied, “You mean, my ball?” Making that strange discovery on my own took me out the moment. Had he mentioned it prior, I would have been prepared. I also made out with a man once who had six nipples—yes, like a pig. I kid you not! He told me prior, and it only made me want to rip his shirt off and have a look for myself. None of these variations on the norm has any effect on one’s ability to be a dynamo in the sack, and that’s what you should focus on. You shouldn’t make a big deal about it. You can even mention it jokingly, but do mention it. If you’ve got a big tit and a small tit, that’s sort of the best of both worlds right? The famous actress, Paz de la Huerta, has some seriously asymmetrical knockers and that never stopped her from being a smokin’ silver screen babe. She even shows them off gloriously in the Jim Jarmusch flick The Limits of Control. People with more obscure body abnormalities sometimes resort to fetish sites. If you’re missing a leg, someone out there is really into that. Your garden-variety bodily variation should not preclude you from dating and most men really don’t care about that sort of thing. This may not be the first pair of mismatched titties your guy has seen. Crank some Chelsea Wolfe on the stereo and get down with your primal, unique self!

Dear Nikki,

Why do men interrupt me all the time? I’m fairly soft spoken but when I’m interrupted, I’ll keep talking to try to finish what I’m saying, maybe raise my voice a little, but I’ve noticed mostly men keep talking, and talking louder than me to say whatever they want to say. Why???????

—Girl Interrupted

Dear Damsel in Suppress,

Not all men interrupt all women all the time, so this is going on with you in particular for some specific reason. It could be that the men you choose to regularly converse with are ill-mannered jackasses that don’t know when to talk and when to shut up. Many people talk even if they have nothing to say. If this seems to be the case with most men, there must be something about your demeanor, your conversational speed or cadence, or simply the volume at which you project when speaking. If you want to be heard, it is important to look the person in the eye. It is also important not to pause too long. You could politely say that you’re finishing a thought or that you’d like to choose the word, to indicate that you are going to pause briefly. Sometimes foreigners speak with different pause lengths which can cause confusion as far as whose turn it is to speak. If you are foreign or hanging out with foreigners, this could be what’s happening. I get the feeling that you might be a little more than just soft-spoken, and may be subconsciously changing your demeanor in the presence of men. In addition to raising the volume, you may need to annunciate a bit more, speak without smiling or cocking your head, and make it very clear that you expect to be heard. When all else fails, let the male you’re talking to know that you’re not finished. With a little charm, this can be done without coming off as a total bitch. Conversely, you could start walking around with a tiny portable amp and a microphone. This will definitely get any message across.

Dear Nikki,

I hate my sister’s boyfriend. I think she is wasting her beauty, intelligence, ambition, love and youth on a useless guy who won’t go anywhere in life. Should I tell her what I think or let her continue believing I’m happy for her?

—Hermano Triste en Santa Fe

Dear Sad Bro,

This is an all-too common problem with no clear-cut solution. Hate is a strong word. If this guy beats her, screws hookers, or manufactures meth in the storage shed, it’s probably time to step in, get family and friends together and attempt some sort of an intervention. You could also arrange to have him arrested and put away. However, if they have kids together, that could be a traumatizing experience, causing them to grow up to be drug addicts and strippers. With forensics so advanced and Silk Road out of operation, taking a hit out on him would be difficult to get away with, and would leave your Sis an irreparable wreck. It might also be just a tad drastic. If this guy is just your typical, non-threatening, space-wasting loser, I’m afraid there’s not a whole lot you can do. You just have to suck it up and be nice when you see him. It’s even important to refrain from being too supportive of your Sister when she’s having relationship problems. After the make-up sex, you end up looking like the bad guy. Maybe you could Facebook one of her old flames and get him to bump into you when the two of you are out together alone. There’s nothing like nostalgic temptation to threaten a relationship. If you come from a traditional Hispanic family. I imagine marriage is in the works. See if you can get your Sis to hold off for awhile. Possible suggested excuses: too young, weddings are too expensive, they haven’t been together long enough, his credit score is too low and she shouldn’t take on his debts, and so on and so forth. She could come to her senses before they tie the knot. This is your best hope.

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