The Heavy Meddler

Nikki Know-It-All
5 min read
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Dear Nikki,

I just transferred out to UNM from Brooklyn and after three days of being here I realized that this town sucks, the food sucks, the music scene sucks, the coffee shops suck, the
Alibi sucks, Breaking Bad sucks and you suck. Is there some part of town I can flee to and hide in a bubble and just avoid having anything to do with this suck-ass city until my semester is up and I can go back to a place with real culture?


New Mexican’t

Dear Brooklyn Blackout,

Wow. With that attitude, I imagine that life for you is a shit sandwich and every day is just another bite. I’m sure things do suck when you can’t make any friends or get laid because you’re such a total drag to be around. First of all, get over yourself. You’re not gracing the Land of Enchantment with your sophisticated East Coast presence. If you went back home to Mommy and Daddy before your first pop quiz, your classmates wouldn’t even notice, so maybe you should just do that. If you insist on staying for the semester for whatever reason, I advise you do yourself a favor by attempting to have an open mind. Otherwise, any suggestions on how and where to have a good time will just fall on deaf ears. So, are you ready to stop being a total twat and start acting like a normal, fun-loving college kid? Okay, good.

The Duke is not a metropolitan city, but there’s still plenty to do. Check out the locally owned coffee shops, sex shops, bars and breweries, local and international cuisine, hiking trails, the Bosque, the Tramway or live music downtown any night of the week. We have bigger concerts at larger indoor and outdoor venues. Most bands will come through town as they have to take I-25 or I-40 on their tour routes and the ticket prices are way more reasonable than they would be in N.Y. As far as good hiding places here, try Cervantes, any number of parks, the Chapel in Old Town or the back bar in Carraro’s & Joe’s. If you want to flee, take a day trip to Madrid or Santa Fe or spend the night in Taos.

If you actually give this a shot, I guarantee that you will look back on your time in Burque with fondness and you will have lots of kookie stories to tell. And if this isn’t enough for you to get through the semester, then you know what sucks? Yeah, that’s right. YOU suck.

P.S. As far as the
Alibi sucking is concerned, we’re always looking for contributing writers so if you think you can improve upon the paper, please send us a sample. Otherwise, you can shut your goddamn pie hole.

Dear Nikki,

The end of summer is on the horizon. We all have a lot of things we want to pack in before it’s over: vacation to Rehoboth Beach, Hersheypark water slides, romantic lunch date with the girl from AP Biology, but most importantly, one last killer SUMMER BBQ!! Can you please give me some hot tips to throw an August BBQ that everyone will be talking about through next St. Patrick’s Day?

-Trying to Tri-tip, give me your bratwurst!

Dear Sausages,

I don’t know where in the hell you are, but I’m hoping you own a barbecue. That would be the first step. If you’re going with coals instead of gas, get yourself a chimney starter, which will evenly heat the coals. As far as refreshment, a couple thirty packs of Coors Light or Marble pilsner should do it. If your high society friends can’t take a “when in Rome” approach, then they can bring their own beer. Keep it simple. Don’t try to make half a dozen different types of meats. Just go with your specialty, whatever that is. Marinades or dry rubs done in advance will help you feel less overwhelmed. Kabobs are also great. Try zucchini, eggplant, onions, mushrooms and peppers. Double skewer them for easier turning. Metal skewers are awesome. If you’re using wooden ones, some say to soak the wood for ten minutes before putting the kabobs together to avoid burning. Enlist a buddy to come over early, crack a cold one and help with the prep. As with any party, invite hot girls that aren’t annoying, provide some shade and your barby will be a hit! Soundtrack suggestions include Bob Seger, Thin Lizzy, Biters and Calexico.

Dear Nikki,

I recently started dating a guy I met on We’ve been out a few times. He’s smart, funny, generous and basically all-around total relationship material. I’m really starting to fall for him hard. The problem is, I think he might be a neo-Nazi. He came over, saw my Billie Holiday painting and made some crack about having Black people on my walls. He’s into old punk and has a Skrewdriver CD in his collection. He’s made some other mildly disparaging remarks about different ethnicities. Do you think this should be a deal-breaker?

– Meeting Mr. Reich?

Dear Bigot-Lover,

Ew! In this day and age?! C’mon! He should still be in the job interview phase of this relationship. This will only get worse. Drop this dude stat. There are other fish in the sea who aren’t white supremacists. I suggest meeting people out in the real world, through friends or the old fashioned way: at a bar. Give yourself a chance to get a true first impression of your next potential beau. Anyone can look good on the internet.

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