Thin Line

John Bear
3 min read
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OCD— It is one of the least known of all government agencies. Some say it doesn’t exist at all. It’s the Office of Celebrity Distraction (OCD).

The OCD functions primarily as a dissent prevention apparatus, flooding the airwaves with nonsense that keeps the general public subdued and focused on truly important aspects of life, like buying stuff and keeping your dumb mouth shut.

It has probably been around for decades, only now becoming a fully matured entity that can keep you pissed off at Paris Hilton just long enough to keep you from getting pissed off at, oh, I don’t know, the war in Iraq and its lack of progress.

Paris Hilton may be the greatest piece of celebrity distraction ever to emanate from the OCD. She has been cultivated for quite some time. First of all, she is rich and thin, so all poor, fat Americans despise her but can’t stop watching, being slaves to the power of suggestion. That will keep them fairly occupied.

But throwing the rich pop tart in the can for a month—now that was a stroke of pure genius. Ninety-nine percent of the country felt joy bordering on mania at the mere thought of that spoiled princess eating boiled hash browns and being forced to urinate in full view of corrections officers armed with cellular phone cameras.

You hate Paris and, with endless, mindless advertising piled on top of every other aspect of your life, you have no energy to complain that you live in a country that is rapidly becoming the Fourth Reich. (Sure, we’re not as bad as the Third Reich; they tried to wipe people out; we need them alive so they can buy buy buy.)

The OCD probably operates in conjunction with the Department of Advertising and Counter Culture Co-opting (DACCC). This department, which some also say doesn’t exist, made being a hippie a marketing niche after the Vietnam “conflict.”

Yes, hippies were gross and ridden with STDs but they had good intentions, mainly the intention of sitting in mud fields and doing drugs instead of sitting in mud fields waiting to waste Asians while doing drugs.

The DACCC made sure those dirty hippies would never again cause mass protests against war—that would be bad for the bottom line. It took decades for companies to recover from that loss of capital. Fortunately, the Vietnamese now make our shoes, so we won that one in the end.

They also made being a hippie somewhat undesirable, for those who couldn’t be convinced that a Doors box set and a Dead T-Shirt were the way to go. Either way, mass dissent is a thing of the past.

The best part of the OCD and the DACCC is the lynchpin of their entire operation, the media, doesn’t even have to be forced to spew this nonsense. We do it as a matter of course.
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