Oh, to be washing some food in a cold brook.

I just got back from Bob’s farm in Minnesota. I have lots of boring stories to share, and this will be the first.

When I visit, I stay in Bob’s Sauna Hütte: a detached building with a sauna, kitchen, bedroom, office and wine cellar, which is pretty cool except it didn’t have any power this time and there was a family of raccoons living in the ceiling. I listened to the raccoon family scurry around above my head all night, and I could hear the babies snarling and fighting with one another. It was all very cute and I didn’t get a wink of sleep. (Or it didn’t feel like I slept. I’m pretty sure I didn’t meet a guy from Dee-Lite at a wedding.)

State’s Exhibit A: Urine Stained Ceiling

I told Bob that he had raccoons in the ceiling.

“Well, Nick,” Bob replied, “I’m sure you heard something, but I’m willing to bet it’s not a raccoon. I suspect there’s a squirrel up there.” Yeah, ok, but that’s a big-ass squirrel and I guess I was the only one who heard the babies growling while we were drinking a bottle of wine the next day.

The Montauk Monster

The last time they had raccoons in the ceiling, Bob said, they discovered it because urine soaked through the ceiling and stank. I call your attention to State’s Exhibit A, inset.

We set a trap, first in the attic and then on the roof. The morning I left, there was a big-ass raccoon in the trap, snarling at us.

A Viking’s Funeral

We drove her to the Red Eye Valley, about 15 miles north and turned her loose. I’m sure she’ll find her way back; raccoons have a homing sense, and can find their way back to a nest from 100 miles away. I’ve understand they can’t breathe under water, though.

Which brings us back to the curious case of the Montauk Monster, a strange cryptid that washed up on a beach, then turned out to be a burned and decomposing raccoon. Finally, this case has been solved. Some dudes found a dead raccoon and decided to give him a Viking’s Funeral. They set him out to sea on a burning raft, and the rest is history.

Albuquerque's 311 information center is now accepting queries via Twitter.

You can now contact the City of Albuquerque 311 using Twitter, the social-networking phenomenon! You can use Twitter to get information about City facilities like the Zoo, and to report problems around town such as damaged street signs, potholes, or graffiti. You can even snap a photo of the problem, and send that along with your tweet to assist us in resolving the issue. To Tweet the City of Albuquerque's 311, just follow CABQ and send the preface d CABQ along with the question or request for service. A City of Albuquerque 311 representative will answer your question - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Read all about it here.

• I am very pro 311 (simonm) [ Fri Jul 3 2009 3:37 PM ]
  
• It's been my pleasure (pencil) [ Fri Jul 3 2009 4:22 PM ]