Halloween falls this year on a Tuesday night. By the time it rolls around, you’ll have dressed up, partied, hung out at clubs and visited all the haunted houses/corn mazes/pumpkin chunking events you can handle. Odds are your Halloween night will be spent parked in front of the TV searching desperately for some holiday entertainment and waiting in vain for the trick-or-treaters to show up so you won’t have to spend the next two weeks choking down that entire five-pound bag full of Tootsie Roll Midges you bought at Wal-Mart. Here, then, is how I see your Halloween night going down.
5:30 p.m. Your first, overeager trick-or-treaters ring the doorbell. You hand over a fistful of candy to a preschooler in a Power Rangers mask and an underage girl dressed in some frightening Bratz getup. “Most Haunted Live 2006” (Travel Channel) has been broadcasting since 3 p.m. You watch for a while, hoping something spooky will happen. But, of course, it doesn’t.
6 p.m. FOX airs “The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horrors XV” (KASA-2). It’s the one where Ned does the Dead Zone thing. Sean of the Dead (Comedy Central) is also on, so you flip between the two using the “recall” button on your remote until you realize that TCM is having a Vincent Price marathon starting with The Masque of the Red Death (TCM). It’s a great movie--unlike Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood (BET), which seems to be the only African-
7 p.m. On “NCIS” (KRQE-13) the team investigates when a Marine is attacked in his home and his daughter is kidnapped on Halloween. Boring. You end up with “Is It Real: Vampires” (National Geographic), which feels both educational and seasonal.
8 p.m. Tonight’s “Nova” (KNME-5) is titled “Monster of the Milky Way,” which sounds pretty cool--until you realize it’s about black holes. You flip over to NBC, where Liza Minnelli guest stars on “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” (KOB-4). She basically plays Patsy Ramsey, a mother whose beauty pageant preteen is murdered on Halloween night. Further ripping off ideas from today’s headlines, the writers have an exiled pedophile confess to the murder. “Veronica Mars” (KWBQ-19) has a Halloween-centric episode about an underground casino. The main actress is cute, but this season is lame. You end up watching “Chris Angel: Mindfreak--Celebrity Séance” (A&E), if for no other reason than it’s funny to see Debbie Gibson and Three 6 Mafia in the same room.
9 p.m. “Boston Legal” (KOAT-7) has Denise Bauer (Julie Bowen) searching for her fiancé on Halloween. Shatner is more funny than scary, so you check out “Ghost Hunters: Live Halloween Event” (Sci-Fi). Like “Most Haunted Live” no one is being killed on screen, so you flip around until you hit the videogame channel. For some reason, they’re showing “Night of the Living Dead: Live From Wisconsin” (G4). It’s George Romero’s gut-munching classic hosted by Mark and Mike, the dumbass filmmakers from American Movie. Seems like a good place to park.
11:46 p.m. You wake up drooling on the couch as somebody eggs your front door.