Week in Sloth
“Community” (KOB-4 7pm) NBC’s redheaded stepchild of a sitcom returns for its unexpected 5th season. The fact that this episode is titled “repilot” should give you some idea of what the creators are thinking.
“The Assets” (KOAT-7 9pm) ABC tries out an eight-part mini-series based on the real-life events surrounding CIA counterintelligence officer Sandy Grimes (British actress Jodie Whittaker), who helped bring down notorious double-agent Aldrich Ames.
“How to Live to 100” (Cooking 7pm) If it involves eating “Cauliflower Lentil Tacos”—which it apparently does—I’ll leave off at 85, thanks.
“Mythbusters” (Discovery 6pm) The Mythbusters kick off their 14th season by busting some Star Wars myths. Hopefully including the one about how The Force is just the result of Midichlorians in the blood. Because that sounds like total Bantha poo to me.
“Rev. Run’s Renovation” (DIY 8pm) OK, it was silly when they gave Vanilla Ice his own home renovation show. Now the guy from Run-D.M.C. has got a home makeover show? How long until Tone-Loc is showing you how to spice up your bedroom decor with funky-fresh throw pillows?
“Best of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Primetime Special” (KOB-4 8pm) He’s gonna take over Jay Leno’s slot in “The Tonight Show” soon, so you’d better start loving him, America.
“The Curse of Oak Island” (History 8pm) According to conspiracy-heavy legend, Canada’s Oak Island is the burial place of some fantastic pirate treasure ... or maybe it’s the resting place of the Holy Grail. Who really knows? Treasure hunters have been destroying the place since 1800. That isn’t stopping History Channel from unleashing a concerted, “Finding Bigfoot”-style effort to disappoint viewers.
“Hostages” (KRQE-13 9pm) CBS’ preposterously dragged-out “thriller” about a doctor blackmailed into murdering the President of the United States by a rogue FBI agent comes to an end. Hopefully no one will be stupid enough to try and milk a second season out of it.
“Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” (KOAT-7 7pm) Tonight’s episode, “The Magical Place,” promises to (but may not) spill the beans on Agent Coulson’s mysterious “death” in The Avengers.
“The Poisoner’s Handbook” (KNME-5 7pm) “American Experience” delves into the best-selling nonfiction account of how forensic chemistry helped convict murderers in the early 20th century.
“Intelligence” (KRQE-13 8pm) Josh Holloway from “Lost” stars as a government agent who gets a computer chip implanted in his brain that allows him to download the internet so’s he can solve crime all supercomputer-style. ... Because “Bones” and “CSI” are too damn realistic.
“The 40th Annual People’s Choice Awards” (KRQE-13 8pm) Beth Behrs and Kat Dennings of CBS’ “2 Broke Girls” host, leading us to question every decision “people” made after that.
“Chicago PD” (KOB-4 9pm) For those of you who thought “Chicago Fire” was too generic a title. Next up: “Chicago Waste Disposal.”