“Comedy Bang! Bang!” (IFC 8:30pm) This occasionally surreal chat show names each episode after what the guests are wearing. As a result, I find myself unnecessarily excited by tonight’s title, “Alison Brie Wears a Black Mesh Top and Mini-Skirt.”
“Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular” (KOB-4 7pm) Ariana Grande, Hunter Hayes, Miranda Lambert and Lionel Richie perform. Nick Cannon hosts. Things blow up over New York City. You know the drill.
“A Capitol Fourth” (KNME-5 7pm) Same deal as the Macy’s thing, only in Washington DC with Frankie Valli, Patti LaBelle, Michael McDonald and Broadway singer Kelli O’Hara. You know, for old people.
“Philly 4th of July Jam” (VH1 7pm) And for the kids, we’ve got The Roots, Nicki Minaj, Ed Sheeran and Aloe Blacc. Plus fireworks. Everybody loves fireworks.
“My Dysfunctional Family” (CMT 11pm) “Family fixer” (that’s a job?) Dave Vitalli brings troubled teens and their wayward parents back from the brink of disrepair. He’s like a horse whisperer, but for people.
“Talking Dead: Season 5 Preview Special” (AMC 7pm) Relax, the new season doesn’t start until Oct. 14. AMC just wants to make sure you’re good and excited about it.
“The ’90s: The Last Great Decade” (National Geographic 7pm) I’m not arguing with the assertion. I’m just wondering—between this and VH1’s “I Love the 2000s”—about our decreasing storage capacity for nostalgia. Hey, remember February? Those were the days, huh?
“Miley Cyrus: Bangerz Tour” (KOB-4 8pm) Oh, goody. A chance to see Miley Cyrus stick out her tongue a million times, smoke weed and ride around on a giant inflatable penis. ... Well, they might cut out those last couple for broadcast TV.
“Steve Austin’s Broken Skull Challenge” (CMT 9pm) Wait, what? Do you win if you get a broken skull, or do you win if you break everybody else’s skull? Or is the goal to break Steve Austin’s? I’m confused.
“The 7D” (Disney XD 8am) That stands for the Seven Dwarves from Snow White. This manic, modern take on the classic Disney characters comes to us from the makers of “Animaniacs” and “Tiny Toon Adventures.”
“Doraemon” (Disney XD 10:30am) It’s hard to believe this hugely popular Japanese cartoon about a robot cat from the future—which has been running in anime form since 1973—is being dubbed into English and distributed in America for the very first time!
“Married at First Sight” (FYI 7pm) A&E is rebranding its “BIOgraphy” spin-off channel as FYI, the “contemporary lifestyle” network. The title of its first reality show should give you some indication of what that’s gonna be like.
“Finding Carter” (MTV 8pm) MTV’s newest drama is about a teenager who learns she was kidnapped as a baby and is suddenly returned to her biological family.
“The Walking Dead: Inside the Walking Dead” (AMC 8pm) Again, not until October.
“Extant” (KRQE-13 8pm) In this high-profile, Steven Spielberg-produced sci-fi series, an astronaut (Halle Berry) returns from a 13-month solo mission in deep space only to learn she’s pregnant. Oopsy. How did that happen?