Theoretically, by next week we'll know whom the next president of the United States is. But, in all honesty, a close popular race, a conjectured Electoral College tie and what are guaranteed to be weeks of legal challenges could mean a month or more before we're assured of our next commander in chief.
What to do in that intervening time? Well, a new political card game by Bro! Novelties may be just the thing to while away the tedious recount process. Election Quest is a collectable card game, similar to the ultra-popular Magic: The Gathering. The game pits the Leftians, led by John Kerry, against the Rightians, led by George Bush. Not only can this game help us pass the time until the Supreme Court decides (once again) who won, it may just give us a sneak preview of how the battle will turn out.
Each Election Quest deck consists of 25 cards. Each card represents a current political figure and is adorned with a detailed, fantasy-inspired caricature by noted artist Terry Wolfinger. On the blue side, Hillary Clinton becomes a Winged Harpy capable of “defecating on her enemies from the air.” Ann Coulter, representing the red side, becomes an Amazon Warrior with a poisonous spear whose “attacks are so fearsome they frequently cause even her frightened allies to flee.” The caricatures are pointed, but never exactly mean (Bill Clinton is depicted as a Satyr, naturally, while Dick Cheney a creepy Dark Necromancer).
Each character has a set of statistics, such as Strength, Charisma, Wisdom, Resolve and Leadership. Cards are divided between two players. The players then take turns flipping random cards and comparing stats. The character with the higher stat wins. The losing card is removed from the game and play continues.
In the interest of political insight, we took a couple Election Quest decks for a test drive, to see which is the most powerful force in the kingdom.
Rightians began the battle by turning over an event card: Scandal. Since the Rightians “have the ability to drown out both the Leftians' calls for fair play and their weak accusations of impropriety,” the Rightians were allowed to add +2 to the ability in play, in this case, Strength. The Leftians responded by offering up the Wizard Noam Chomsky. Sadly, his mere 6 Strength was no match for the 14 strength (boosted to 16) of the Rightians' Half-Orc Bill O'Reilly. The first victory went to the red team. The battle raged on. John McCain and Donald Rumsfeld were both defeated by the wisdom of Royal Ted Kennedy. Ancestral Avenger George Bush's resolve of 20 crushed the Leftian's Economy card backed by Berzerker Howard Dean. Madman Ted Nugent smashed weakling Ralph Nader. Bill Clinton's powerful Charisma destroyed the anti-charm of John Ashcroft.
In the end, it came down to the last two cards left in play: Condoleezza Rice standing toe to toe with Al Sharpton. Condi's resolve of 12 bested Sharpton's resolve of 9. The Rightians won. The kingdom, littered with corpses, was once again peaceful.
Nonetheless, we demand a recount. ... Shuffle up and deal.