Thursday 14
House of Wax (TCM 6 p.m.) Catch the classic Vincent Price horror flick now, before the upcoming Paris Hilton remake burns all memory of it from your poor mind.
“Most Identical Twins Test” (Discovery Health 7 p.m.) How identical are twins and who, pray tell, are the most identical twins in America? This medical inquisition will root out the freakiest of the freaks and expose them for all of America to ogle.
Friday 15
“Sheer Dallas” (TLC 8 p.m.) Former fake oilman Larry Hagman narrates this glimpse into the lives of the rich, the famous and the fabulous in glitzy modern-day Dallas. Heck, they even have gay people there now.
Saturday 16
“160-Pound Tumor” (Discovery Health 7 p.m.) Holy crap! That's one big-ass tumor. I can't …
“200-Pound Tumor” (Discovery Health 9 p.m.) Aw, who cares about some wimpy 160-pound tumor now?
Reefer Madness (Showtime 9 p.m.) The notoriously silly 1938 drug scare epic gets remade as a campy musical (!) starring Alan Cumming, Steven Weber, Neve Campbell, Kristen Bell and Ana Gasteyer. Drugs are bad, two, three, four.
Sunday 17
“Garden Giants: Still Growing” (HGTV 7 p.m.) Hey, buddy. Wanna see a really big pumpkin?
“Arrested Development” (KASA-2 7:30 p.m.) Here's the deal: If this show doesn't come back next season, I'm coming to the houses of everyone who didn't watch and stealing the batteries out of their remotes. You can prevent this by catching tonight's season finale.
Monday 18
“I Married a Princess” (Lifetime 6 p.m.) Sigh. Another day, another reality show about some more rich, slightly famous people who think we average plebeians want to know every detail of their daily life. Actor Casper Van Dien (star of such classics films as Dracula 3000, Python and Tarzan and the Lost City) and one-time “Dynasty” actress Catherine Oxenberg (granddaughter of the former regent king of Yugoslavia) invite us into their world of family and fame. Whoopee.
“The Lance Krall Show” (Spike 9:05 p.m.) Atlanta improv comic Lance Krall tries his hand at a new sketch comedy show. (Best if we forget his stint on the Steve Martin-produced, canceled-after-four-episodes series “The Downer Channel.”)
Tuesday 19
“Rides XXX” (TLC 8 p.m.) So, what, like cars of famous porn stars? Or just vehicles from the new XXX movie starring Ice Cube? … Either way, I'm a little scared.
Wednesday 20
Ring of Fire (USA 7 p.m.) Unfortunately, it's not the Johnny Cash story. But it is the Emile Griffith story. Who's he, you ask? Griffith was a professional boxer, the first man to kill someone on live TV. It happened in a boxing match back in 1962, and I guess it messed up his life pretty good. This documentary explores the pivotal, tragic sporting event as well as some of the underlying causes, including Griffith's much-speculated sexuality.
