“The Fabulous Life of ...” (VH1 7 p.m.) Tonight’s topic: “The Nerdiest Nerds.” That’s a bold statement. I’m thinking, in order to fall into that superlative category, you need to have all your dead relatives stuffed and dressed as characters from The Lord of the Rings for use in a life-sized chess set. Because at “Nerdiest Nerd” level, that collectable DVD set of “Land of the Lost” ain’t gonna cut it.
“Real Simple. Real Life.” (TLC 5 p.m.) The glossy household-hints magazine lands a makeover show. Each week, host Kit Hoover helps harried moms with fashion, makeup, design, organization, food, fitness, finance and career. Basically, if you’re incapable of living your life, this show will straighten you out, you pathetic suckbag.
“Crusoe” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Daniel Dafoe’s 1719 novel concentrates on the lonely life of an English seaman shipwrecked on an isolated island. He grows corn, raises goats and marks his time on a wooden cross. We can probably assume, since producers are comparing this to Pirates of the Caribbean, that the show is a loose adaptation.
“The Hills: The Lost Scenes” (MTV 8:30 p.m.) Wait. You’re telling us all those awkward, pause-filled, go-nowhere conversations Lauren and Heidi engaged in while grazing on salad Nicoise at some Beverly Hills white-napkin joint were the cream of the crop? And now you’ve assembled all the stuff that didn’t make the cut? What’s left? Thirty minutes’ worth of manicure footage? Five-thousand more egregious uses of the word “like”?
Futurama: The Beast With a Billion Backs (Cartoon Network 9 p.m.) The most recent “Futurama” movie premieres on CN. It’s loaded with alien sex. Enjoy.
“Rita Rocks” (Lifetime 6:30 p.m.) A harried suburban housewife (Nicole Sullivan from “Mad TV”) leads a double life as the lead singer of a garage rock band. ... So, basically, it’s a premenopausal version of “Hannah Montana.”
“Real Chance of Love” (VH1 7 p.m.) For its latest Xerox-
“Scream Queens” (VH1 8 p.m.) Yes, this search for America’s next great horror movie hottie is just another VH1 reality competition. But at least there’s the slim possibility someone might be gainfully employed at the end of it.
“Ski Patrol” (TruTV 10 p.m.) One step below “Beach Patrol” and one step above “Parking Wars” on the sub-“COPS” law enforcement reality show ladder.
“Scream 2008” (Spike 7 p.m.) Just in time for Halloween, Spike hands out awards for the best horror action of 2008.
“Living with the Wolfman” (Animal Planet 8 p.m.) Sadly, just a guy who researches wolves and not a hairy monster craving the warm flesh of man.
“Stylista” (KWBQ-19 8 p.m.) What if The Devil Wears Prada were a reality show? ... Seriously, TV, if you don’t stop using the words “reality show,” I’m gonna smack you.