Alibi V.23 No.3 • Jan 16-22, 2014 

Week in Sloth

Flowers in the Attic on Lifetime

Thursday 16

“The 19th Annual Critics Choice Movie Awards” (KWBQ-19 7pm) TV-based critics choose the best movies so you don’t have to.

“Under the Gunn” (Lifetime 7pm) “Project Runway” mentor Tim Gunn hosts “The Voice” but with fabric instead of songs.

“The Brian Boitano Project” (HGTV 9pm) Come on, HGTV! Between you and DIY (which airs “The Vanilla Ice Project” and “Rev Run’s Renovation”), aren’t you just proving that any idiot (from an ice skater to a rap star) can figure out how to decorate a damn house? Doesn’t that make your network kind of useless?

“Jerks With Cameras” (MTV 11:30pm) Because there may still be some people in America who haven’t been pranked by an MTV hidden-camera show.

Friday 17

“The Diamond Collar” (OWN 8pm) Former Mafia enforcer James Giuliani gets a new job: dog grooming. Also, he gets a reality show. Of course he does.

Saturday 18

Flowers in the Attic (Lifetime 6pm) Every girl I knew in junior high had memorized the page numbers containing all the “dirty bits” of V.C. Andrews’ screwy gothic/romantic incest horror novel. Now Heather Graham and Ellen Burstyn act it out.

“The Moaning of Life” (Science 8pm) Melon-headed genius and Ricky Gervais whipping boy Karl Pilkington (“An Idiot Abroad”) embarks on another round-the-world travel series. This time, though, he gets to choose where he goes.

“ThingamaBOB” (H2 8pm) Each week crazy inventor Bob Partington is presented with a problem and a box of three random objects which he must fashion into some helpful invention.

“My Big Redneck Family” (CMT 11pm) It’s like you’re not even trying, CMT.

Sunday 19

“Sherlock” (KNME-5 9pm) Finally! We get to see how Sherlock Holmes cheated death at the end of season 2. Don’t get too excited, though. There are only three episodes per season, remember.

“#RichKids of Beverly Hills” (E! 11pm) Yup, this reality show has a hashtag in the title. Yup, we’re very near the end of civilization.

Monday 20

Klondike (Discovery 7pm) Discovery goes the miniseries route with this historical docudrama about the Gold Rush in olde-timey Dawson City.

“Powerpuff Girls: Dance Pantsed” (Cartoon Network 8:30pm) Craig McCracken’s beloved cartoon series returns to TV after nearly 9 years with this one-off special. McCracken isn’t involved, and it is in CGI. But Ringo Starr is in it, so ...

Tuesday 21

“Hollywood Hillbillies” (Reelz 7pm) You aren’t trying either, Reelz, with this lazy hicksploitation “reality sitcom” about a family full of “Honey Boo Boo”-esque bumpkins gawking their way around Los Angeles.

“Opposite Worlds” (Syfy 8pm) I’ll let them explain it: “Fourteen people face off on opposing teams as they live in a house separated by a glass wall into one past and one future world, each with their own unique advantages and disadvantages.”

Wednesday 22

“Broad City” (Comedy Central 11:30pm) Two female comedians do for NYC what “Portlandia” did for Portland.

“Wahlburgers” (A&E 8:30pm) A reality show about a Massachusetts burger joint run by Mark Wahlberg’s non-famous brother? Well, at least it’s not hillbillies.