Idiot Box: “Super Bowl XLVIII” on FOX
 Alibi V.23 No.5 • Jan 30-Feb 5, 2014 

Idiot Box

Super Sunday

“Super Bowl XLVIII” on FOX

What’s really important: “Puppy Bowl X”

You know what this Sunday is. It’s Super Bowl Sunday. If you didn’t know that, you should probably just go for a nice walk. Or take in a movie. The theaters won’t be crowded. Because this weekend it’s all about the football.

Sure, if you really looked around, you could find something to watch on TV other than the Super Bowl. Various channels are doing their best (not really) to provide some counter programming. Start flipping through channels on Sunday afternoon and you’ll find day-long marathons of “The Walking Dead” (AMC 8am), “The Bold and the Beautiful (TV Guide 9am), “Cops” (Spike 10am), “Brain Games” (National Geographic 10am), “Say Yes to the Dress” (TLC 11am), “Mob Wives” (VH1 1pm), “Sex and the City” (E! 3pm), “Guy Code” (MTV 3pm) and “Tosh.0” (Comedy Central 5:40pm). Knock yourself out, football haters.

Of course, if you’re in a sporting mood but still want to practice a little avoidance—perhaps if the game slows down or if half-time sucks—other networks are there to give you a brief distraction. Animal Planet is the king of this, having given viewers the gift of cavorting puppy dogs for the past 10 years. “Puppy Bowl X” (Animal Planet 1pm-3am) runs all freaking day and night, so you can watch the whole thing (repeatedly) even after the game ends. It’s become something of a tradition, and even hardhearted cynics can agree that watching puppies romp around is good for the blood pressure. Hoping to get in on some of that sweet, sweet pet love, Hallmark Channel is providing a cute alternative to the alternative with “Hallmark Channel’s Inaugural Kitten Bowl” (Hallmark 10am-10pm). No offense to cats or anything (I’m a cat man myself), but cats don’t do a lot. As bad as those dogs are at playing regulation football, cats will be even worse. ... Although not nearly as bad as goldfish. Yup, Nat Geo Wild is going even further down the rabbit hole (so to speak), providing a cute alternative to the cute alternative to the cute alternative with “Fish Bowl” (Nat Geo Wild 4pm-8pm). That would be four hours’ worth of straight-up camera-on-a-goldfish bowl action.

But let’s not kid ourselves. Anybody who’s anybody will be watching the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks battle it out in the Super Bowl. First up is the “Super Bowl Pregame Show” (KASA-2 12pm), which will provide viewers roughly four and a half hours of way-too-in-depth analysis, boiling down to “whoever scores more points will win.” Probably the Broncos. Because the Seahawks only seem to win at home when the fans are screaming their lungs out and causing earthquakes. I guess we’ll find out when “Super Bowl XLVIII” (KASA-2 4:30pm) gets underway. If you don’t care about the game, hang out in the kitchen, eat some dip, and wait around for the Pepsi Halftime Show. This year it features Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Nothing against Bruno Mars—he seems like a nice enough guy—but he’s kind of a step down from the usual Bowl-caliber artists like The Rolling Stones, The Who, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney. (Don’t complain too much, though, Up With People headlined for years.) And if Bruno doesn’t do it for you, there’s always the commercials. That’s the best part anyway.