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The Week In Sloth

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Thursday 19

“2009 World Magic Awards” (KASY-50 7 p.m.) Could this be the first awards show in a month without a Kanye West reference?

“Family Armor” (TLC 8 p.m.) What have we here? A reality show featuring a family business owned by obese people, no doubt. Well, we’ve done motorcycle fabricators, bail bondsmen, repo men, tattoo artists, pawn brokers and flower arrangers, so this time around it’s two Mormon brothers-in-law running a ‘cutting-edge vehicle bulletproofing business in Texas.” … Seriously? Is that a thing?

Friday 20

“Larry the Cable Guy’s Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau” (CMT 7 p.m. ) Geez, if it was anyone else, I’d be there.

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (TCM Midnight) I’ve gotta be honest with you here: The title bout only comes at the end and lasts all of a minute. Still, it’s a robot fighting a mummy. Who are you to argue?

Saturday 21

Personal Effects (Lifetime 7 p.m.) A romance starring Michelle Pfeiffer and Ashton Kutcher? Remember when these two were big enough to get their movies into theaters?

Sunday 22

“2009 American Music Awards” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston, Jennifer Lopez, Adam Lambert and I’m guessing some sort of giant tribute to Michael Jackson.

“Cowboys and Outlaws” (History 7 p.m.) History Channel goes Wild West for this new docu-series. First up: Wyatt Earp.

“Vampires From the Abyss” (Science 7 p.m.) Calm down, Twilight junkies. It’s about vampyroteuthis infernalis , the deep-sea-dwelling vampire squid.

“The Haunted” (Animal Planet 8 p.m.) How did Animal Planet get a ghost-hunting series? … Wait, it’s about haunted pets ? Oh, lordy.

Monday 23

“Surviving the Holidays with Lewis Black” (History Channel 7 p.m.) What’s Comedy Central’s resident grump doing over on the History Channel?

“Find My Family” (KOAT-7 8:30 p.m.) Producers of this new reality show hunt down long-lost relatives, loves or friends for maximum tear-jerkability.

Tuesday 24

“Holly and Hal Moose: Our Uplifting Christmas Adventure” (ABC Family 5 p.m.) Why, in Christmas special after Christmas special, is Santa Claus portrayed as such an incompetent slob that he needs help from every animal, toy, kid or magical creature in creation to save the holiday?

“Dinner With the Band” (IFC 9 p.m.) Think “Dinner for Five,” only with musicians instead of actors.

Wednesday 25

Ben 10: Alien Swarm (Cartoon Network 8 p.m.) If you’re a 10-year-old boy and a fan of the alien-fighting superhero cartoon “Ben 10,” you should be suitably stoked for this live-action sequel to 2007’s movie event Ben 10: Race Against Time. It’s supposedly a lead-in to the upcoming “Ben 10: Evolution” animated series—which should come as even more good news, so long as your age hasn’t progressed all that far into double digits.
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