Week In Sloth

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Thursday 10

"Greatest American Dog" (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) Pets and their owners are forced to live together (in stark contrast to what people and their pets usually do), answering the age-old question: Who has the best-trained dog in America? They’d better at least pull some babies out of a well.

"Burn Notice" (USA 8 p.m.) The best part of USA’s espionage thriller-comedy? Bruce Campbell plays a spy named Sam Axe. The second season kicks off tonight.

Friday 11

"Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust" ( TLC 8 p.m.) TLC premieres its reality show about swimwear designer Ashley Paige. Can she make a comeback in Los Angeles? And what, exactly, is a "monokini"?

"Mobile Home Disaster" (CMT 10 p.m.) Really, it was only a matter of time for Country Music Television.

Saturday 12

Ghouls (Sci-Fi 8 p.m.) The network takes a break from giant alligators and snakes for another topic that’s just barely related to science fiction.

Sunday 13

"Miss Universe 2008" (KOB-4 8 p.m.) As usual, Donald Trump’s international pageant trots out two hours of big hair, big teeth and the most spectacular sequins in the universe. Far, far from usual, the 2008 pageant is being broadcast from Nha Trang, Khanh Hoa, Vietnam, and is co-hosted by Melanie Brown (aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice) and Jerry Springer.

"Brooke Knows Best" (VH1 8 p.m.) If Brooke Hogan really knew best, something tells me she wouldn’t have assumed control of her beleaguered dad’s "celebreality" TV show on VH1. You know things are bad when Brooke’s considered "the normal one" of the Hogan bunch.

Monday 14

"All-Star Celebrity Softball Game" (ESPN 8 p.m.) Celebrities include comedian Chris Rock, Food Network chef Bobby Flay, director Spike Lee, Super Bowl champion Justin Tuck, TV correspondent Maria Menounos and Oscar-winner Whoopi Goldberg. And there’s a Baldwin in there, too: William.

Tuesday 15

Hurl! (G4 7 p.m.) G4 unveils an extreme "entirely new type" of eating competition. Massive portions of food (like mac ’n’ cheese) immediately followed by twisty-turvy, intense physical exertion (like mechanical bull-riding) are on the table for hopefuls vying for the show’s "Iron Stomach Champion" title. It’s all in the glottal sphincter.

Wednesday 16

"Batman Unmasked: The Psychology of the Dark Knight" (History 7 p.m.) If you’re not the sort of nerd who’s already waiting in line for tonight’s The Dark Knight premiere but are the sort of nerd who’s pondered the psychological gestalt that turned Bruce Wayne into Batman, it appears History Channel has your number.

"Project Runway" (Bravo 7 p.m.) Say "guten tag!" to the fifth season of Bravo’s addictive fashion designer competition. Then say "auf wiedersehen!" … just because Heidi Klum makes it sound so nice.

—Laura Marrich
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