Week In Sloth

The Week In Sloth

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Thursday 10

“The Vampire Diaries” (KWBQ-19 7 p.m.) A hunky yet sexually ambivalent-looking vampire falls in love with a shy, brunette high school girl, much to the distaste of his fellow immortals. … Yeah, I didn’t like this when it was called Twilight .

Friday 11

Sonny Boy (TCM 12:30 a.m.) I suggest you move heaven and earth to see this utterly unique, thoroughly bizarre black comedy about a small-town crime boss and his transvestite “wife” (David Carradine!) who adopt an abandoned baby boy, cut out his tongue and raise him Tarzan-style in the desert Southwest. Believe it or not, this demented flick was shot right here in New Mexico.

Saturday 12

“COPS” (KASA-2 7 p.m.) As FOX’s venerable reality show enters its 22 nd season, producers would like to take this opportunity to remind Americans to keep stripping off their T-shirts and fleeing from police. If not for your drunken, seemingly inbred efforts, there would be no “COPS.”

“Robin Hood” (BBC America 7 p.m.) OK, so this lightweight BBC series isn’t as good as “Doctor Who” or “Torchwood” or “Primeval” or “Being Human” or “Hex” or even “The Sarah Jane Adventures,” but … well, it’s the only sci fi / fantasy the network’s showing right now. Third season starts tonight.

Sunday 13

Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins (Cartoon Network 8 p.m.) I’ve never really thought about it before now, but this live-action/CGI feature shows how the Mystery Inc. gang got started back in high school. Apparently, as a teen, Velma was a hot Asian chick.

“VMA ’09” (MTV 10 p.m.) The Video Music Awards? Gee, do you think anyone’s going to bring up Michael Jackson?

Monday 14

“Inside the Actors Studio” (Bravo 6 p.m.) Lemme get this straight, James Lipton: You’re interviewing the voicecast of Family Guy”? Lauren Bacall, Paul Newman, Arthur Miller, Robert De Niro, Martin Scorsese, Meryl Streep and Sir Ian McKellen would like to have a word with you.

“The Jay Leno Show” (KOB-4 9 p.m.) I hope you like Jay Leno. A lot. Because he’s here, five nights a week in prime time.

“Kenny vs. Spenny” (Comedy Central 3:30 a.m.) Bless you, Comedy Central, for bringing Kenny and Spenny back to a TV wasteland filled with tasteless, “Jackass”-inspired stunt shows. Episodes like tonight’s “Who Can Wear a Gorilla Suit the Longest?” show us all just how inspired self-abuse can be.

Tuesday 15

“Shaq Vs.” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) It’s the season finale and Shaq is going up against Michael Phelps. … Wait, are they swimming or smoking dope? Seeing who can wear a gorilla suit the longest? Huh.

Wednesday 16

“The Beautiful Life: TBL” (KWBQ-19 8 p.m.) OK, I get that this drama is about vapid, sexed-up young models in N.Y.C. and stars the likes of Mischa Barton, Corbin Bleu and Elle Macpherson. But what’s with the superfluous text-speak right there in the title? Trust me, CW, if I was gonna Twitter my friends about this, I could probably work out the initials myself.
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