Thursday 2
“Fabulous Life of …” (VH1 9 p.m.) VH1's celebrity show-and-tell usually focuses on movie stars or rap moguls, but tonight the material possession-obsessed series goes all political, giving us “The Bush vs. Kerry Bling Off.” Which of the presidential candidates has more cash, cars, clothes and casas? Let's go to the tape!
Friday 3
The Magnificent Seven (TCM 6 p.m.) Akira Kurosawa's original, The Seven Samurai, is probably still a better piece of cinema, but how can you argue with one of the best tough guy casts ever assembled (Yul Brynner, Eli Wallach, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, James Coburn) and that kick-ass theme song?
Saturday 4
“Country's Most Shocking 5: Stomped and Gored” (CMT 8 p.m.) When it comes to shocking behavior, sexual scandals and violent escapades, nothing compares to good old rock 'n' roll. But I must concede: No one has ever been stomped and gored in the world of rock music. Way to go rednecks!
Sunday 5
“In Search of the Partridge Family” (VH1 7 p.m.) Those sick bastards at VH1 have turned “The Partridge Family” into an “American Idol”-inspired reality series searching for modern-day replacements for everybody's favorite musical brood. Why, God, why?
“The Surreal Life 3” (VH1 8 p.m.) As this show goes on, the “stars” get more pathetic. How does washed-up comic Dave Coulier (“Full House”), incomprehensible Public Enemy rapper Flava Flav, ex-New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight, former Stallone bride Brigitte Nielsen, “American Idol” singer Ryan Starr and perennial “coochie” girl Charo grab ya?
Monday 6
The Riverman (A&E 6 p.m.) Cary Elwes and Bruce Greenwood star in this true-life story of serial killer Ted Bundy who was recruited to help capture the elusive Green River Killer. How very Silence of the Lambs.
“How Clean is Your House?” (Lifetime 9 p.m.) Two British ladies show up at people's houses and demonstrate the miracle of mops and trash cans. What's next for reality television: “Too Lazy to Feed Yourself?”
Tuesday 7
Flying Virus (Sci-Fi 7 p.m.) Passengers on on airliner fight off a swarm of bees, which happen to be infected with a bio-warfare virus. Man, that's like three disaster movies in one. That must be a new record.
“The Next Great Champ” (KASA-2 8 p.m.) FOX puts a bunch of would-be boxers together and has them fight it out (literally) over who should get a shot at a pro boxing career. … Assuming, of course, that the producers of NBC's identical reality series “The Contender” don't succeed in their lawsuit.
Wednesday 8
“That '70s Show” (KASA-2 7 p.m.) The new season kicks off with Eric contemplating selling off Donna's engagement ring for some quick bread.
“The Drew Carey Show” (KOAT-7 7:30 p.m.) ABC finally kills off Drew Carey's long-limping sitcom with a series finale featuring (what else) a wedding and a childbirth.
