Week In Sloth

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Thursday 26

12 Gifts of Christmas (Hallmark 6pm) Nine. You’re up to nine made-for-TV rom-coms this year, Hallmark. We haven’t even hit December, for God’s sake. Pace yourself.

“Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers” (KOB-4 6:30pm) Watching the Bears play on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition—right alongside ignoring the cranberry relish at dinner and drinking to escape your relatives.

“All-Star Celebrity Dog Rescue Celebration” (KASA-2 7pm) Kaley Cuoco, Miley Cyrus and Chelsea Handler are among the celebs trying to guilt you into adopting a dog. … Sorry, you’re gonna have to try harder than that, FOX. I won’t adopt a dog for anything less than a Pitt or a Jolie.

Friday 27

“South of Hell” (WE 7pm) WE goes the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”-esque route with this supernatural series about a possessed demon hunter (Mena Suvari from the American Pie movies) who roams Charleston, S.C., looking for monsters to kill. I’ll bet dollars to donuts she sleeps with some of the sexier ones, too.

Crown For Christmas (Hallmark 6pm) Ten!

Saturday 28

A Christmas Detour (Hallmark 6pm) Hey, I’m as grateful as the next sap for the first Candace Cameron Bure sighting of the holiday season, but couldn’t you take just one night off, Hallmark. Eleven.

A Gift-Wrapped Christmas (Lifetime 6pm) That’s cute, Lifetime. But not only are you way too late to the party, but you’re showing up with the exact same dish (a personal shopper falls in love with her rich client) Hallmark already brought with 12 Gifts of Christmas.

“All Star Gingerbread Build” (Food 6pm) Two teams of celebrity chefs battle to create life-sized gingerbread houses in just 72 hours. I shit you not.

“Alice’s Restaurant 50th Anniversary Concert” (KNME-5 8pm) Arlo Guthrie celebrates the 50th anniversary of his iconic counterculture song.

Sunday 29

Angel of Christmas (Hallmark 6pm) That’s it. I give up, Hallmark. I can’t handle any more Christmas-based romance.

Monday 30

“It’s Your 50th Christmas, Charlie Brown” (KOAT-7 7pm) Kristen Bell hosts a celebration honoring 50 years of the animated classic “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Followed at 8pm by, what else?

“The Great Holiday Baking Show” (KOAT-7 9pm) ABC figured you aren’t getting nearly enough of watching other people cook on channels like Cooking and Food. So here’s some people making cookies you can’t taste.

“Superstore” (KOB-4 9pm) America Ferrera (“Ugly Betty”) stars in this midseason sitcom about the lives of people working at a big box store. Just in time for the holiday shopping season.

Tuesday 1

“Married at First Sight: Matchmaking Special” (A&E/FYI 6pm) This sounds like a bad idea all around.

“Married at First Sight: Wedding Preparation” (A&E/FYI 7pm) Oh. We’re actually doing this. Right now. … Yeah, this sound like a really bad idea.

Wednesday 2

“Christmas in Rockefeller Center” (KOB-4 7pm) Matt Lauer, Savannah Guthrie and Al Roker try to spread a little Christmas cheer, corporate-branding-style.

“Santas in the Barn” (truTV 7pm) It’s a reality show about “Santas from around the country” who are brought to live at “the ultimate Christmas fantasy camp.” I can’t be the only one who thinks this sounds like a Yuletide torture porn movie.

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