Week In Sloth

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Thursday 2

“Quincy Jones: Burning the Light” (HBO 8pm) Quincy Jones (the comedian, not the record producer) performs his first one-hour stand-up show after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.

“Lone Star Law” (Animal Planet 8:03pm) Game wardens in Texas protect more than a quarter-million square miles of deserts, lakes, woods, bayous, plains and coasts.

“Vintage Flip” (HGTV 9pm) HGTV finds another minor wrinkle to add to the house-flipping reality show genre: people who fix and sell older houses! That’s great news for viewers who know what the words “Eichler-style post and beam” mean.

Friday 3

“Carol Burnett’s Favorite Sketches” (KNME-5 9pm) Famed comedienne Carol Burnett looks back at her favorite sketches from “The Carol Burnett Show.”

Saturday 4

You May Now Kill The Bride (Lifetime 6pm) Somebody should really take out a restraining order against Lifetime Network. As far as I can tell, it only exists to terrify suburban housewives with tales of murderous husbands, murderous boyfriends, murderous dentists, murderous babysitters, murderous PTA presidents and daughters who are runaways, kidnapped, on drugs and/or sexting.

The Church (TCM 12:15am) Dario Argento acolyte Michele Soavi (who would go on to direct the near-perfect Cemetery Man), made this stylish 1989 horror chiller about a bunch of tourists trapped in a Gothic cathedral filled with ghosts and demons. A very young Asia Argento is in it.

Sunday 5

“2016 Miss USA Pageant” (KASA-2 6pm) I kinda (not really) feel bad for Donald Trump. After he loses the presidency, he doesn’t even have the Miss USA Pageant to fall back on. He sold it off last year after Univision dumped its coverage in the wake of The Donald’s comments about Mexican immigrants.

“Feed the Beast” (AMC 8:05pm) Two down-on-their-luck best friends (David Schwimmer from “Friends” and Jim Sturgess from Across the Universe) decide to open their own restaurant in the Bronx, but soon find themselves in debt (and indebted) to the Mob. Mix Anthony Bourdain and GoodFellas, and you’re halfway there. This foodie crime drama is adapted from the Danish series “Bankerot.” You Danes know what I’m talking about.

Monday 6

“Barbarians Rising” (History 7pm) History Channel gets in touch with its inner Conan in this docudrama series about the rise and fall of the Roman Empire as seen though the eyes of the rebel leaders who spent 700 years trying to beat back the empire. Hannibal, Spartacus, Queen Boudica, Viriathus: All our favorite sword-swingers are here.

Tuesday 7

“America’s Choice 2016: Super Tuesday 5” (CNN 7pm) After five of them, they just don’t seem all that super anymore. Tune in all night for live coverage to find out who the Republican and Democratic picks for president will be. … Trump and Clinton. It’s Trump and Clinton.

Wednesday 8

“2016 CMT Music Awards” (CMT 9pm) FOX college football host Erin Andrews and Houston Texan J.J. Watt host performances by Blake Shelton, Carrie Underwood and Luke Bryan, because … country music fans also like sports, I’m guessing?
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