“What Hollywood Taught Us About Sex” (E! 9 p.m.) Well, Hollywood taught me to be careful on ladders when peeping into sorority houses, it taught me that girl's showers are America's best source of entertainment and it taught me that Phoebe Cates is really freaking hot.
“The Buzz on Maggie” (Disney 9 p.m.) The titular star of Disney's newest cartoon is described as “a funky fly girl”–but that's mostly because she is a fly.
“Ashton's Greatest Punk'd Rants” (MTV 8 p.m.) Yeah. I bet this ranks right up there with the greatest orations of William Jennings Bryan.
Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy (Sci-Fi 7 p.m.) I'd have to place this one somewhere on the scale between Shark Attack III: Megalodon and Shark Hunter with Antonio Sabato, Jr. You know–bad, but not Devilfish bad.
“Killer Ants”/”Killer Squid”/”Killer Bees” (Discovery 7/8/9 p.m.) Just think what would happen if these creatures were to join forces. … Why, you'd have a Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie on your hands.
“Rocket Rigs” (TLC 7 p.m.) America's first family of rocket-powered racing trucks (didn't know there was such a thing, but whatever) puts its reputation on the line by going head-to-head with assorted super extreme turbo jet-fueled vehicles.
“The Boneyard: Where Machines End Their Lives” (History 6 p.m.) Where do massive man-made thingies go when they die? Where do B-52 bombers, aircraft carriers or the wreckage of the World Trade Center end up rust in in peace? This new series, a tribute to all things scrapped, will show you.
“Wildfire” (ABC Family 6 p.m.) Filmed right here in New Mexico, this new series has a troubled young girl moving to a horse ranch in rural New Mexico. Sounds like the perfect show for girls who grew up on the Black Beauty/National Velvet/My Friend Flicka troika.
Cyber Seduction (Lifetime 7 p.m.) Yeah, I know, it sounds like a Sci-Fi Channel movie. But it's only a sensationalized story about a mother who is shocked to find her 16-year-old son has become addicted to Internet porn. … Yeah, shocking.
“AFI Lifetime Achievement Award” (USA 7 p.m.) In a fit of good timing, the American Film Institute gives its annual award to George Lucas, who–since he isn't doing any more Star Wars movies–has pretty much wrapped up his career.
“AFI 100 Years, 100 Movie Quotes” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) Not satisfied merely to hand out some bling-bling to George Lucas, the AFI hosts a TV special saluting the 100 greatest movie quotes of all times.
“I Want to Be a Hilton” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) Mrs. Hilton shows us all how to grow up and be spoiled, snotty whores like her daughters. What fun!
“Rescue Me” (FX 11 p.m.) With shows like this raw, funny firefighter drama (returning for its second season), what's the point of turning off the cable box and watching (shudder) broadcast television?
“What Not to Wear/While You Were Out Double Cross” (TLC 7 p.m.) A husband wants to make over the bedroom, but friends think she also needs a makeover, so TLC does both. Sneaky bastards.