Week In Sloth

The Week In Sloth

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Thursday 23

The Picture Snatcher (TCM 6 p.m.) Paparazzi weren't invented when some dumbass photographer crashed into Lindsay Lohan's car, as this scandalous 1933 film will attest. James Cagney plays an ex-con who gets a job as a sleazy tabloid photographer and uses his relationship with a policeman's daughter to sneak some snaps of an execution.

Friday 24

The One (KASA-2 7 p.m.) Jet Li kicks his own ass for an hour and a half.

“Naturally, Sadie” (Disney 9 p.m.) Disney's newest acquisition is this Canadian import about an inquisitive 13-year-old who knows more about animals than people, leading to lots of hijinks-filled social experiments with her classmates.

Saturday 25

“7 Wonders of the Wild West” (Discovery 6 p.m.) I'm thinking really big hats, but Discovery Channel is probably thinking the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone.

The Girl in the Café (HBO 9 p.m.) This story of an aging, lonely civil servant who falls for a mysterious woman during the G8 Summit sounds like dry PBS fare. But it stars Bill Nighy (Love Actually, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) and Kelly Macdonald (Finding Neverland, Gosford Park) and is written by Richard Curtis (Notting Hill, Four Weddings and a Funeral, “Blackadder”). Now that's good Brit.

Sunday 26

“Pimp My Ride” (MTV 10 p.m.) Let a whole new season of pimping commence.

“The Andy Milonakis Show” (MTV 11:30 p.m.) Andy Milonakis is a twentysomething network administrator at an accounting firm who looks like a mentally unbalanced fat kid. He's been making short, inexplicable clips of himself singing weird songs or otherwise doing completely retarded things for a few years. He got famous first on the Internet, then on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” Naturally, MTV gave him his own show.

Monday 27

“The Science of Lance Armstrong” (Discovery 9 p.m.) Scientists investigate the reasons for the cycling champ's dominance. … Perhaps, while they're at it, they can explain how he got a date with Sheryl Crow.

Tuesday 28

“Average Joe 2: The Joes Strike Back” (NBC 7 p.m.) This season, “Average Joe” is two reality shows in one! It's a dating show and it's a makeover show. Wow. Force these guys to eat pureed pig eyes to win a date, and you'll have completed the trifecta.

Empire (ABC 8 p.m.) ABC takes us back to the glory days of Rome with this inauspiciously relegated to summer mini-series. Think of it as “The O.C.” but with more backstabbing (and I mean that in the literal sense).

Wednesday 29

“The Real GIlligan's Island 2” (TBS 7 p.m.) Win “The Apprentice” and you get a job working for Donald Trump. Win “The Bachelor” and you get a (theoretically) hunky guy and a bunch of money. Hell, win “Kept” and you get to be Jerri Hall's boy toy. … But, seriously, where's the glory in being named the most “Gilligan”-like guy in America?

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