Week In Sloth

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Thursday 6

“Tiny House, Big Living: How Are They Now?” (DIY 8pm) I hear one of them had to find a new artisanal beard oil, because the old one wasn’t gluten-free. But, don’t worry, everyone is still smug as ever about the superiority of their wee houses.

Friday 7

“American Playboy: The Hugh Hefner Story” (Amazon streaming anytime) The famed nudie mag founder is the focus of this 10-part docuseries which draws from the 17,000 hours of film footage and 2,600 scrapbooks in Hef’s personal archive.

“First Dates” (KOB-4 7pm) The big twist in this docu-reality dating show is that it follows real people on their first dates. … Wait, that’s not a twist at all. Oh well. It’s produced by Ellen DeGeneres and narrated by Drew Barrymore. Yes, that’s how exciting these dates are: They need a narrator. Also, it’s just a remake of a British show. How do you do it, Hollywood?

“The Toy Box” (KOAT-7 7pm) Eric Stonestreet (from “Modern Family”) hosts this knockoff of “Shark Tank” in which people can only pitch ideas for toys. How do you do it, Hollywood?

“You The Jury” (KRQEDT-2 8pm) Yup, 2017’s “Hell In a Handbasket” tour continues with this “landmark” reality show in which ordinary viewers get to hand down verdicts in controversial civil court cases. Trump’s favorite shouty newscaster, FOX News’ Jeanine Piro, hosts. Think “The People’s Court,” but ickier.

Saturday 8

“The Son” (AMC 7pm) Pierce Brosnan stars as a charismatic Texas rancher in this sweeping family saga (based on the book by Philipp Meyer) that spans 150 years and three generations.

Sunday 9

The Psycho She Met Online (LMN 6pm) So, Lifetime, what ordinary suburban convenience are we supposed to be terrified of this week? Airbnb? Cool, we’ll get right on that.

“National Film Board of Canada’s Animation Festival” (TCM 6pm) Four and a half hours’ worth of cartoons from our neighbors to the north? I’m in!

“The Face of Jesus Uncovered” (History 7pm) Sure, they already did this with “The Real Face of Jesus,” but this time they totally nailed the soulful look in his eyes. Spoiler alert: He’s still really Jewish.

“Talking With Chris Hardwick” (AMC 9pm) Chris Hardwick has spent the last few years on AMC talking about “Walking Dead,” “Breaking Bad” and “Better Call Saul.” Now, evidently, he’s free to talk about subjects other than AMC shows.

Monday 10

“Help My Yelp” (Food Network 8pm) Just hire a bunch of Russian hackers to spam your Yelp page with positive reviews. Problem solved.

Tuesday 11

“Unprotected” (Oxygen 10pm) In this “docu-comedy” (I’m already not laughing), we’re introduced to the Cantarella family. They used to be in the witness protection program. Yup, that’s it. Once upon a time, they were vaguely interesting. Now they raise two kids in Scottsdale, Ariz. and have a reality show.

Wednesday 12

“Hollywood Darlings” (POP 6:00pm) Former child stars Jodie Sweetin (“Full House”), Christine Lakin (“Step by Step”) and Beverley Mitchell (“7th Heaven”) star as “exaggerated versions” of themselves in this “improvised sitcom.”

“Return of the Mac” (POP 6:30pm) Former New Kids on the Block member Joey McIntyre stars as an “exaggerated version” of himself in this sitcom about Joey McIntyre trying to land a role in a sitcom. Oh, POP, I think you’ve found your gimmick.

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