Week In Sloth

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Thursday 29

Battle of the Network Stars” (KOAT-7 8pm) Back in the ’70s there wasn’t a lot to watch on TV, what with only three networks. So, when summer rerun season rolled around and ABC offered us the opportunity to see Gabe Kaplan compete against Valerie Bertinelli in a kayak race, we all jumped at the chance. Now, ABC goes back to a very old well, drafting contestants such as Bronson Pinchot, Tom Arnold, Dave Coulier, Tracey Gold, Joey Lawrence, Corbin Bleu, Lisa Whelchel and Kim Fields a chance to battle one another in Olympic-like competitions. Like Taco Bell nachos this promises to be both cheesy and nostalgic.

“Zoo” (KRQE-13 9pm) The third season of this preposterous sci-fi action series, based on the book by James Patterson, picks up 10 years after the previous seasons in which zoo animals went coo-coo crazy and mutated into human-killing monsters. Now, it seems, humanity is faced with the threat of “hybrids,” an army of unstoppable, lab-created creatures bent on destroying mankind.

“Gay For Play Game Show Starring RuPaul” (Logo 10:30pm) Contestants try to answer pop cultural IQ questions with the help of a panel of special guest gay celebrities, including the likes of Ross Mathews, Carson Kressley and Todrick Hall.

Friday 30

“Danger & Eggs” (Amazon streaming anytime) Fearless, teal-haired teen D.D. Danger and her overly cautious best friend, a giant egg named Phillip, buddy up to explore new places, take on crazy adventures and generally appreciate life in this whackadoodle cartoon from Chris Hardwicke’s increasingly busy production company.

“Gypsy” (Netflix streaming anytime) Naomi Watts stars in this sexy, psychological thriller about a therapist who develops dangerous and intimate relationships with the people in her patients’ lives. To give you an idea, the first two episodes are directed by 50 Shades of Grey’s Sam Taylor-Johnson.

Saturday 1

“Raised Human” (Animal Planet 7pm) This new series looks at animals (lions, chimps, etc.) that have been raised in captivity and have formed unusual bonds with humans.

Kiss of the Tarantula (TCM 12am) In this low-budget, 1976 variation on the popular 1972 horror hit Ben, a troubled teenage girl unleashes her pet spiders on the mean people who torment her.

Sunday 2

“America In Color” (Smithsonian 6pm) This new series uses cutting-edge technology to restore and colorize archival news footage from the early 20th century to the ’60s—showing us, for the very first time, what moments such as the attack on Pearl Harbor and the Nixon-Kennedy debates looked like in living color. Liev Schreiber narrates.

Monday 3

“Cake Boss: Epic Patriotic Cakes” (Discovery Family Channel 7pm) Nothing says pride in one’s nation than thousands of calories’ worth of food coloring and buttercream squeezed onto a dessert in the shape of a flag. I think this is what Donald Trump meant when he talked about making America great again. I bet he’s thinking, right now, about that “most beautiful piece of chocolate cake.”

Tuesday 4

See “
Idiot Box.”

Wednesday 5

“Snowfall” (FX 11pm) FX goes back to inner city Los Angeles, circa 1983, for this ensemble drama about the creation and expansion of the crack cocaine industry. Oscar-nominated director John Singleton (Boyz N the Hood) is the show’s co-creator.
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