Thursday 6
“Ultimate Fighter 3” (Spike 8 p.m.) Say what you will about Spike's ass-kicking reality series, at least there's no quibbling over who the real winner is. With “American Idol,” you can argue endlessly over whether Katherine McPhee is a better singer than Kellie Pickler. (Answer: Who cares?) With “Ultimate Fighter,” you know the loser is the guy who's bleeding and unconscious.
Friday 7
“Tim McGraw: Reflected” (NOB-4 7 p.m.) Thanks for getting all introspective on us, Tim. … Wuss.
Saturday 8
“Cocktail Kings” (Travel Channel 8 p.m.) Apparently, there is a job that's better than mine: Traveling the world and sampling cocktails. Lucky bastards.
“In the Wild” (KNME-5 8 p.m.) On tonight's show, celebrity comedian Robin Williams travels to Hawaii to communicate with the dolphins. … What's dolphin for, “Patch Adams sucked”?
“Can't Get a Date” (VH1 12:30 p.m.) Well, neither could Flava Flav until VH1 rolled around, so maybe the network can work its makeover magic on ordinary idiots.
Sunday 9
Avenger (TNT 6 p.m.) Gruff Sam Elliot stars as a former special forces operative who bumps off some evil drug dealers who killed his family, then decides to operate as an international judge, jury and executioner.
Robert Ludlum's Covert One: The Hades Factor (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) Well, it's no Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure, but I guess it will have to do.
Monday 10
“Jeremy Piven's Journey of a Lifetime: Northern India” (Travel Channel 7 p.m.) Now, I like celebrities as much as the next person. But do I really want to watch Jeremy Piven's vacation movies?
The Ten Commandments (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) Having grown weary of the same old Charlton Heston version, ABC finally springs for a brand-new miniseries. Moses is now played by Dougray Scott (Ever After, Mission: Impossible 2). Honestly, I'm a little weirded out that Moses has a Scottish accent.
“Star Trek: 2.0” (G4 12 a.m.) This ought to bring the nerds out of the woodwork like termites after a good fogging. Not only do you get nicely remastered versions of the original “Star Trek” series, but you get to watch it with scrolling tickers of trivia, live online chat rooms and something called an interactive “Spock Market.”
Tuesday 11
“It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Peppermint Patty's real name is Patricia Reichardt. … Just thought you'd like to know.
Today You Die (Spike 7 p.m.) A cheesy direct-to-cable action movie? Let's spin the wheel! … Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme … Oh! Looks like this one's gonna star Seagal. That means we get a bonus spin to see which rap star he'll be paired with. … Ooh, “Treach” of Naughty By Nature. … Let the shame begin!
Wednesday 12
“Good Eats: Myth Smashers” (Food 8 p.m.) Tonight, Alton Brown keeps his tongue in his cheek (as always) with this look at food myths. … Like, what? That barbecued tofu tastes just like brisket?
