Thursday 13
“American Inventor” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Frankly, now that we've already seen all the wacky inventions, I'm no longer interested.
“CSI” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) If Ice-T's weekly turn on “Law & Order: SVU” doesn't provide you with enough rap-acting energy, you could always tune into tonight's “CSI,” which features an appearance by Method Man.
“Commander in Chief” (KOAT-7 9 p.m.) Geena Davis finally returns as the president of the United States. … Geez, her vacations are almost as long as the real president's.
Friday 14
“Deal or No Deal” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) What could possibly make this lame TV game show even more irrelevant? How about having Miss USA pageant contestants substitute for the regular briefcase models? … Wow. It worked. I actually care less now. Maybe NBC could have Carrot Top sub for Howie one night, and put the final nail in it for me.
Saturday 15
“Madonna: Live” (BBC America 8 p.m.) Press-shy Madonna (yeah, right) sits down to an interview with Brit talk-show king Michael Parkinson and sings a couple songs. I just wish Parkinson would ask Madge what the hell is up with her fake accent.
Sunday 16
“God or the Girl?” (A&E 7 p.m.) A&E's new reality series features four young men torn between joining the priesthood and signing up for a lifetime of celibacy or, you know, bagging all that to sleep with their girlfriends. … Hmm. Well, what do the girlfriends look like?
“What About Brian?” (KOAT-7 9 p.m.) From the producers of “Lost” and “Alias” comes this romantic drama. It's about a group of seven young friends living in Los Angeles. Six of them are now paired up, leaving poor Brian (Barry Watson, “7th Heaven”) out in the cold. Unfortunately, to paraphrase an old Cars song, he's in love with his best friend's girl.
Monday 17
“Celebrity Cooking Showdown” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Cooking. Well, that's another activity you can add to the list of “Things I Don't Care to Watch Celebrities Doing On a Weekly Basis”–right alongside “dancing,” “skating” and “singing.” … By the way, NBC, “celebrities” like Tom Arnold, Miss USA Chelsea Cooley and country singer Big Kenny are the reason your ratings suck.
Tuesday 18
“Love Monkey” (VH1 7 p.m.) They can resurrect “Love Monkey” on VH1, but they couldn't get “Arrested Development” over to HBO? … Sometimes, TV, you are a harsh and capricious mistress.
“AutoRox” (Spike 8 p.m.) Whore (sorry: fame whore) Carmen Electra hosts the very first awards show to “honor and celebrate America's love of the automobile.” Categories include “Most Jammin' Truck of 2005” and “Mad-Real SUV of 2005.” … But who will win “Best Cupholder”?
Wednesday 19
“Alias” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) After a hiatus worthy of “The Sopranos,” a post-pregnancy Jennifer Garner returns to bid farewell to her J.J. Abrams-produced action series.
