Week In Sloth: “The Simpsons” Gets Spooky, “American Horror Story” Returns, “Witches Of East End” Cast A Spell

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“The Originals”
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Thursday 3

“The Millers” (KRQE-13 7:30pm) Not a spin-off of We’re the Millers, but another generically titled sitcom from the network that already gave us “Mom” this season.

“Welcome to the Family” (KOB-4 7:30pm) A Caucasian teenager gets pregnant by her Latino boyfriend. They decide to get married. Oh, the wackiness that ensues when her family meets his family. I hope there will be jokes about tacos.

“The Originals” (KWBQ-19 8pm) This spin-off of “The Vampire Diaries” finds vampires and werewolves (who are, of course, having sex with one another) battling over the city of New Orleans.

“Sean Saves the World” (KOB-4 8pm) Sean Hayes (“Will & Grace”) is a divorced, gay father trying to raise a 14-year-old daughter.

Friday 4

“Hot Package” (Cartoon Network 10:45pm) An extremely weird, borderline incomprehensible live-action show on Adult Swim? What are the odds? This oddball offering is supposed to look like a cheap, Canadian knockoff of “Entertainment Tonight.”

Saturday 5

House of Versace (Lifetime 6pm) Gina Gershon is frighteningly authentic (“frightening” being the operative word) as fashion icon/plastic surgery nightmare Donatella Versace.

Sunday 6

Contest (Cartoon Network 7pm) A bullied teen and his tormentor become friends after being forced to work together in a cooking contest in CN’s latest, message-oriented, live-action feature.

“The Simpsons” (KASA-2 7pm) Filmmaker Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy, Pacific Rim) contributes the pre-credit “couch gag” to this year’s “Treehouse of Horror XXIV“ episode.

“Witches of East End” (Lifetime 8pm) Nope, not a TV version of The Witches of Eastwick. The networks tried that in 1992 and 2002. This one’s loosely based on Melissa de la Cruz’ book series about a clan of sexy witches in Long Island.

Monday 7

“Mighty Med” (Disney XD 6:30pm) Teenage best friends Kaz and Oliver land the sweetest after-school jobs in the universe—working at a secret hospital for superheroes.

“Dream School” (Sundance 11pm) Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver and rap star 50 Cent bring troubled kids together to learn in the ultimate educational setting. Teachers include filmmaker Oliver Stone, journalist Soledad O’Brien, musician Swizz Beatz, astronaut Dr. Mae Jemison, actor David Arquette, conservationist Jeff Corwin, financial guru Suze Orman and civil rights activist Jesse Jackson. Now if we can just replicate this in every school in America.

Tuesday 8

“Criss Angel BeLIEve” (Spike 9pm) Silly Las Vegas goth Criss Angel gives viewers a behind-the-scenes look at the illusions in his Cirque du Soleil magic show.

Wednesday 9

“The Tomorrow People” (KWBQ-19 8pm) It takes a special kind of nerd to remember the 1970s BBC children’s series about super-powered adolescents. Now it’s been revived by The CW as a brattier version of The X-Men.

“American Horror Story: Coven” (FX 11pm) We’ve had ghosts and space aliens so far. The third season of FX’s constantly morphing horror series does witches.

“Big Tips Texas” (MTV 8pm) Redneck Heaven is a north Texas “breastaurant” (their word, not mine) famous for its bikini-clad waitresses and their, um, “big tips.” Now, scantily clad servers like Amber, Kristyn and Typhani (their spellings, not mine) have their own docureality series. Dare to dream, young women of America.
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