Alibi V.29 No.13 • March 26-April 1, 2020

Opinion

Trump Finally Stimulating Citizens’ Packages

What you need to know about the COVID-19 stimulus package

This kitty is gonna get her nails done with that stimulus.
This kitty is gonna get her nails done with that stimulus.
Allange / Pixabay License

On Wednesday, Mar. 25, the unthinkable happened. Congress agreed to help average American citizens. How will they be doing that? By giving us money! The entire stimulus package totals 2 trillion dollars in rescue funding and is currently awaiting an official signature from President Trump. This would be his first time providing any stimulation for someone who’s not himself, so I expect he’ll be curious to experience what that’s like.

How much will we each receive out of that incomprehensible sum though? Most adults will receive $1,200 each, but that amount is determined by adjusted gross income. The full amount will go to those making $75,000 or less annually ($150,000 for married couples). For individuals making $75,000-$99,000 annually ($150,000-$198,000 for married couples), the payment steadily dwindles down to nothing. If you make more than $100,000 annually, your pleas for help will fall upon deaf ears.

An exciting tidbit for those of us who were foolishly optimistic enough to reproduce at one time or another: each child under the age of 16 will qualify you for an additional $500. That’s 351 rolls of toilet paper on Amazon per child! Who needs a meal ticket these days? Let your kid be your teepee ticket.

How will the government know what you make? You have no privacy, so that information can all be easily found on your 2019 tax return. If you’re like me and trying to put that off until the world ends first, your 2018 tax return will be used. What if you made too much to qualify in years past but have lost your income source to COVID-19? Tough luck. In congress’s defense, however, they have made changes to unemployment insurance to allow for more people to qualify for assistance. Check New Mexico’s UI COVID-19 page for updates on whether you qualify.

For once, you don’t have to do anything to receive help from the government (if you’ve been good, that is). The IRS will systematically go through every social security number on file, determine your annual income and plop that money right into your bank account within three weeks of Trump’s sign-off. What if you didn’t file 2018 taxes? Oh, you sweet summer child. You will probably be more disappointed than Stormy Daniels staring down a mushroom tip after this is all over, with the only difference being this pandemic will make you suffer for far longer than 90 seconds.

What about the elderly? The disabled? Veterans? As long as you make less than $75,000 annually, our orange leader shall allegedly provide for you. If that doesn’t fill you with the utmost sense of confidence, I don’t know what will.

There are already talks about having to provide another stimulus package should our current predicament continue for too long, but with our president planning to open our borders and businesses by Easter, we will likely all be dead by then anyway.