Alibi V.29 No.6 • Feb 6-12, 2020 

Food News

We Continue To Stray

Wow, it’s been a rough start to 2020. In a year that sounds as futuristic as “The Jetsons,” it seems things have only gotten stranger. We’d like to believe that as a species, time will carry us forward to our best selves, yet inevitably, everytime we turn around, things have only become more bizarre and it feels as if we’ve strayed farther and farther from the path of knowledge. I want to say things will get better, and perhaps they will, but this last month has proven that 2020 is on course for continuing the trend of “the world has gone mad and we’ve lost all control.” But hey! Here’s some food news!

Baby Nut, Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

Let’s kick off with a follow-up to last week. Mr. Peanut, the lovable legume who was also a canonical veteran, has passed away in a marketing stunt by the Planters peanut company. Now he’s been reborn as Baby Nut. The ad agency said this was inspired by the death of Iron Man, which is just not how these things should work, ever. Now, we as a culture have to acknowledge the existence of Baby Nut, who emerged at a funeral attended by Mr. Clean and The Kool-Aid Man, and it all just feels so wrong. First, Baby Nut is a terrible name for a lot of reasons and I feel ill every time I see or speak it. Secondly, is this what the dream of a capitalist society was meant to achieve? Fictional characters crying over a nut so that we buy more peanuts? Now Planters has been banned from using its multiple Baby Nut accounts on Twitter. All of this story would be pure gibberish 12 years ago, and it is surely one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Anyone Else Feel Greasy?

It was reported that Dominic Calderon was arrested for soliciting a prostitute in Albuquerque on Jan. 28. He was caught by an undercover officer after he tried to pay her with a hamburger from a local Chili’s. Calderon approached the officer, asking for their number so he could contact them once his paycheck cleared later in the week. In his defense, the undercover officer asked if he would be interested in trading the hamburger for sex, which he was transporting on his bicycle, and he was apparently not that hungry and agreed. In what is arguably the most Burqueno aspect of this news story, if the whole of it isn’t already more than you can handle, the final nail in the coffin of the story was that the hamburger had to be entered into evidence. Calderon was charged with a felony, as he was a repeat offender. He was one of 12 people in total who were arrested in that sting.