Gastrological Forecast

Gwyneth Doland
1 min read
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Don't do drugs, kids. They make you do terrible, terrible things. Among other horrors, sometimes people who use marijuana tragically lose their ability to make appropriate food choices. You may encounter potheads at 7-Eleven, making dangerous concoctions at the Slurpee machine and woefully non-nutritious selections in the candy aisle. Grass abusers often claim to have created new “snacktime paradigms” while under the influence but don't let them peer-pressure you into trying a chicharron and jalapeño Jelly Belly pie. One stoner I know arranges a single layer of M&M's on a paper plate and microwaves them for exactly 41 seconds. The result, he claims, is crispy-shelled candies with semi-molten interiors that taste like “midget shots of Swiss Miss [hot cocoa].” The paper plate is left with a pattern of candy shell residue that he says looks like a cross between the work of Jackson Pollack and Monet. He also insists upon a sort of supernatural synergy between chilled Grey Goose Vodka and Junior Mints. It's too bad his “alternative lifestyle” led him away from his true calling—as a chef, of course! Tsk, tsk.

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