Latest Article|September 3, 2020|Free::
Making Grown Men Cry Since 1992
After my last article expounding the joys of an Elvis Christmas, I received dozens of responses (mostly from my cousin Dana) asking for more holiday recommendations. I don’t actually know of much Christmas music that is bearable, so I looked to the Internet for help. My fingers hovered over the keys as I dreamed of the perfect search criteria, until I was struck with a terrible impulse. The cynic in me was already screaming no and railing against the idea as I clicked out “dogs sing Christmas music.” Google yielded more than 20 million results—I found the best one. I’m going to spend the next three weeks holed up in my tiny apartment, ordering pizza and watching “Jingle Pet Song” on YouTube over and over until my eyes swell shut. Someone has put fuzzy puppies in little fuzzy red Santa outfits. Puppies, you guys! Really chubby, fluffy ones! The puppies waddle around on fake snow, roll over each other and stand on their hind legs with their front paws waving aimlessly in the air. The video’s creator has sampled puppy yelps, barks and whines, and mixed them over a holiday song medley that sounds like it was composed with a slide whistle and the “big band” preset button on a Casio. Some of the animal sounds match the melody and some don’t, just squeaking along arbitrarily—indicating that there are people who just love the sound of whining puppies and want to hear it all the time. Every once in awhile a shot of a kitty wearing a stocking hat is thrown in with a shrill “meow” to keep the cat fanciers hooked. Does this sound awesome? I’m not even done. The snugly songsters belch out little bubbles, musical notes and squiggles. Writing and arrows and musical instruments are drawn all over the screen with pastel colors. Drum sticks are scribbled into the paws of unsuspecting pooches. It looks like some annoying kid colored all over the video. It is the biggest pile of cute I have ever seen.I was surprised to find out someone in Korea made the “Jingle Pet Song.” The world contains many casserole-makin’, loud sweater-wearin’ Midwestern pet lovers with way too much time on their hands. I expected one of them would be the culprit. I know this because some of them are my relatives, and their musical-pet work can also be seen online. I can’t help myself: This video is so completely, unbelievably ridiculous, and it makes me so uncomfortable, I can’t look away. What can I say, I like uncomfortable things. If you need something to take your mind off the stressful driving/pushing/spending/sweating/arranging of the holiday season, I highly recommend “Jingle Pet Song.” It will almost immediately turn you into a smiling, drooling, completely relaxed shell of your former self.