"You Have No Choice But To Be Robo-Rocked"

Audiences Will Be Made To Witness The Torture And Humiliation As Evil Robots Force Jbot To Rock Hard

Jessica Cassyle Carr
3 min read
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You may not realize it, but robots are the biggest problem humans face in the 21st century. Their take-over and annihilation of humanity could be only a few short decades or days away. JBOT's miserable situation is just one sign that evil machines will soon rule the earth.

Imprisoned by three cyborgs of his own creation (cyborgs that want to take over) and made to play metal in cities all over the country in a band with his captors, JBOT's predicament is the result of his stupid idea that being in a band with robots was better than humans. His former human bandmates from Skankin' Pickle and Blue Meanies, according to evil cyborg drummer DRMBOT 0110, didn't like him. So he made the bots and in 1996 was soon overtaken by them. The bots implanted a chip in his body and tortured him mercilessly.

You may wonder about the animatron percussionist bots: To quell his sadness, JBOT then secretly created The Ape Which Hath No Name and programmed him to love. The other robots, sickened by TAWHNN's good will, are unable to kill him because robot code does not allow one bot to kill another. His son, The Son Of The Ape Which Hath No Name, is similarly kind and loving.

This year, the robots forced JBOT to release a humiliating two-CD album based on humiliating live sets. The first disc is a musical version of the movie version of the The Ten Commandments, where JBOT played Moses. The other disc is Get Fit With… . In it, the band uses the speed food pyramid “to get your fat ass into awesome shape.”

The current tour will not feature either of these themes. It will be a magnificent performance entitled “Captured! By Robots Gets Star Trekked (TNG).” Pitiful humans can watch JBOT perform as Captain Jean Luc Prickhard, GTRBOT666 play Commander Riker, DRMBOT 0110 play Counselor Troi, AUTOMATOM play Data and so on. Songs will be based on episode themes like “Borg Encounter,” “Skin of Evil” and “Klingons Romulans, Cardassians, Oh My!”

This show may be your last chance to see Captured! By Robots before the robot resistance takes over; in fact, it may be your last chance to see music or enjoy anything at all! As I speak, the robot forces may be building and planning to attack tonight. And don't think Robocop or the Terminator 2, Short Circuit or even E.T. is going to save our pitiful human race.

Captured! By Robots will perform Wednesday, Nov. 30, with worthless human bands Unit 7 Drain, The Misphats and Old Beans. The price is $6, but soon you will be giving the robots all of your money.

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